[ants at a Def Leppard concert]
*Pour Some Sugar on Me starts*
Ant 1: Oh hell yeah I love this one
Ant 2: Sugar is good for us and the queen
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in a world where big data threatens to commodify our lives,. telling online surveys that i “Dont know” what pringles are constitutes Heroism
TEXTING 101
ME: Hi
College son:
ME: How are you?
CS:
ME: Are you still alive?
CS: …
CS:
CS:
ME: I can cut off your phone
CS: Hi Ma love u
The Theory of Relativity: Time moves more slowly when you are with your relatives.
I’v been catfishing my best friend Dave for the last 3 weeks. He’s gunna pay me that $50 he owes me or I’m showing these emails to his wife.
Abs are made in the kitchen, but a six pack can be bought in a store
My run for political office would be short but filled with food eating competitions.
The Pillsbury Doughboy and Little Debbie walk into a bar.
Bartender: I see bread people.
Him: I wanna be the man you fell in love with all those years ago.
Me: You wanna be Ryan Reynolds?
If you say “cash money” around me,
Don’t act surprised when I kick you in the “balls nuts”See how stupid that sounds?
Even Forrest Gump got laid.
This is bullshit.
7-year-old: You got a letter!
Me: It’s a bill. I owe money.
7: Not if you throw it away.
She’s my financial planner now.
Me: I wanta quit
Boss: I need a formal resignation
Me: fine. I beseech thee, kindly give me leave of this hellhole
“I’ll do it after I’m dead”
People that don’t know how death works.
Always be careful when you drink and laugh 🤣
My 6yo, sick enough to stay home yet well enough to be yelling C’MON BRO at his video game while I leave a message with the attendance office
Me: And this is my house
Friend: What’s upstairs?
Me: Stairs don’t talk
Great, yet another drive-in movie ruined by the neighbors saying I can’t park on their lawn and watch movies through the living room window.
A baby proofing service where I sic my toddler on your house so you can see exactly where you need to baby proof.
a human soul weights about 1.5 lbs. I know this because I weighed myself before and after I got to work today
I freely admit to snorting with laughter #piggate #pigfilms
Gift-Wrapping Club for Men Rules:
1) There is no such thing as too much tape
2) Forget everything you know about right angles
3) Gaps can be filled in with a different kind of paper or sticky notes
4) It’s okay to swear at scissors
Don’t rub your happiness in people’s faces this Valentine’s Day. Let the couples enjoy themselves for once.
I never know what to do when someone tries to fist bump me, so I just slowly put their fist in my mouth
Hey Doorknob, if I wanted something in my life that was hairy, condescending and using me for food, I would get a cat.
Him: I lost my dog today at the company picnic!
Me: You should post something on FaceBook.
Him: My dog isn’t on FaceBook.
Me:
Weird how James Bond was always like, ‘I’m 007’ like just be 7
[job interview]
“What would you say is your greatest strength?I’m pretty humble. Actually, I’m incredibly humble. Amaaaaazingly humble.
Welcome to your 40s: that white stuff in your hair, is your hair.
Playing mini-golf with your family is a fun way to spend thirty-two dollars to watch your kid throw 18 tantrums in a row.
Whenever Sting goes in for surgery, I bet the doctors and nurses have a good chuckle calling it a sting operation.