My top 5 yoga positions
5 Napping Warrior
4 Downward Spiral
3 Crying Plank
2 Farting Tree
1 Drunk Hasselhoff
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Laundry:
Washing = 45 minutes
Drying = 60 minutes
Folding = 7 to 10 business days
Lance Armstrong should be applauded for being able to ride a bike so well on drugs. I tried it once. Hit a dog and fell into the canal.
Me: Bedtime in 5 minutes!
8yo: *Begins the single most complicated crafting project of her lifetime thus far*
4-year-old: What happens if I throw up in the red shoe bin by the door?
Me: Why is your question alarmingly specific?
4: No reason.
I just don’t get life insurance. Why would I want to give my family a financial incentive to kill me?
Son: “I hurt my foot”
Dad who’s obsessed with the metric system: “What did you just say!?”
Son (sigh): “OK sorry. I hurt my 30 centimeters”
Dad: “That’s better. But if I catch you using imperial measurements again, I’m gonna beat you to within 2.54 centimeters of your life!”
My mom once asked if Jack Frost was based on a true story. Jack Frost is a movie where a father dies and returns as a snowman.
…żyje?
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
[mall]
Me: That guy looks SO familiar!
Wife: …
M: Maybe an actor? Musician?
W: …
M: I’ll get an autograph!
W: He’s our mailman, moron.
if u die of a potassium induced stroke cuz you ate too much fruit, bitch that’s called a bananeurysm
Can’t wait for Daylight Saving Time to end this weekend so the clock in my car will have the correct time.
i used to side with chief brody but now i’m team mayor because the shark’s only gonna eat 1-2 more people & he’ll be stuffed. we’ll sell soo many shark toys
“OPEN UP, THIS IS THE POLICE!”
haha, no way losers. I’ve got things to do.
*cop whispering* “what do we do? this guy is owning us hard!”
SHAKE WHAT YOUR MAMA GAVE YOU
*shakes buy one get one free coupon*
Follow Sunday: @funTweeters, because boredom.
I’m 46 years old, my dad told me that candy floss evaporates after a day and I’ve told my kids this. My dad ate my candy floss didn’t he?
MURDER HORNET: 2020 is my year
BRAIN-EATING AMOEBA: hold my contaminated tap water
*lady shares a wallet photo of her son*
*i pull out a 20-part accordion wallet photo set of my dogs*
i love horror films but this one with the killer making people stay at their desks after work is next level sick.
‘What do we want?’, ‘A really fast car to drive past!’, ‘When do we want it?’, ‘Nnneyowwwww’
Those three magic words,
-You can have my taco.Ps. Shut it, maths police.
One time I ran into an old friend and she said “omg you haven’t met my baby” and i said “omg I had no idea” and the next day I went to her house with a baby gift and her baby was a goddamn cat.
Kids only want one thing and it’s to play with whatever their sibling is playing with
If people ever criticize you for being too short, they are literally saying that the worst thing about you is that there isn’t more of you.
Vampire: Velcome to your 500s, you keep forgetting garlic can keel you.
mom: you’re 42 years old I’m not reading you a bedtime story every night
inventor of the audiobook: if you won’t, I’ll find somebody who will, Ma
The best murder weapon would be a tupperwear lid because nobody would ever find it
Maybe sunscreen is like ketchup to sharks
if cupid went bow hunting would the deer population increase or decrease?