son: and this one?
me: also carrots
son: I don’t like carrots
me: I know
[how I’ve kept my 2 year old from opening the family gifts under the tree]
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CHEF: Someone needs to prepare the chicken
ME: I’ll do it *sits chicken down* look dude, this isn’t gonna be a good day for you
my cat: i think we can all agree that it’s time for me to scream
Satan: “I’m gonna put letters in mathematics. Lol!”
God: “I’m gonna make them all kill each other because of me.”
The efficient part about falling asleep on the toilet at work is that inevitably someone who had beans for lunch will come and wake you.
Advantage of seeing a goose: you just saw something interesting my friend.
Disadvantage: next goose experience less meaningful
Pro tip: Never explain to your wife that it’s the washer and dryer that actually does the laundry.
Day 8 of quitting smoking: I have 376 gallons of blood to donate. Various types. None is mine.
My bank has informed me that Twitter followers can not be used as collateral for a car loan. You guys are useless.
a cute girl stopped behind my laptop as I was full screen on a pic of bread and I didn’t know what to say so I stammered out “I like bread”