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@JPLFR80

Who do I have to marry to get a girlfriend around here

@ReticentTurnip

[job interview]
Interviewer: What is your biggest weakness
Me: Well, I don’t really want to do anything

@sophielou

Neighbor’s rooster hacks & crows like he’s been a lifelong smoker

@salmarch79

ABC NEWS: Bees fly and make honey
FOX: Islamic insects attacking Texas
CNN: flying warbirds create liquid yellow weapons of mass destruction

@DrakeGatsby

*prints out my most successful tweets and mails them to my ex-girlfriends*

@alexblagg

“Lets all start wearing weird ’90s mom jeans!” – girls now

@cervixsmash

Every 5 seconds a woman gives birth to a baby. Stop this woman