Gonna match donations for bail funds up to $100 today. Post your receipts in the comments and I’ll post my match.
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Marriage is alright if you like someone coming home and telling you about their day in the middle of your movie
Doctor told me I only have 6 months to live, maybe 12 if I get enough likes on Facebook.
Who called it a wedding licence and not marry-time law
HR: “This is your revised salary. We recommend you keep it confidential.”
Employee: “Don’t worry, I’m equally ashamed of it.”
They say you should throw out anything you haven’t used in six months. There goes the vacuum!
“We just want to find someone who will-”
*sly grin* -Finish our sentences?
“Exactly.”
-death row inmates
Not me DoorDashing Taco Bell at 330am and messaging the driver “Please don’t ring the doorbell and wake people up. I don’t want to share.”
I just sighed so loud that my neighbor texted me, “What’s wrong?”
In case you don’t believe there’s any way your kid’s stories could be longer, my 12 y/o just told me a story about a YouTube video, with the hiccups.
Stop trying to make me exfoliate. Maybe I like having 17 layers of crusty old skin on my face.
me: sorry, I move around a lot in bed
GF: it’s ok lol
[middle of the night]
me: [taps GF on the shoulder] I just bought a house in Montana
I’m not much of a wrestler, can this alligator play badminton?
I may be small, but so is a grenade.
[Nightclub]
Me: *shouting over the loud music at the bartender* I NEED HOT WATER FOR MY CUP O’ NOODLES
In 1979, a call coming from inside the house was a reason for terror.
In 2014, it means one of you is too lazy to shout or come downstairs.
*Takes out phone & plays Cindi Lauper’s True Colors as you reach for the last slice of pizza without asking*
Mountain Goat : )
Robert is an ass man
Robert goes to the club
Robert sees a curvy girl
Robert comes up behind her
Robert Palmer
What idiot called it ‘Asparagus grown in Northern France’ and not ‘Brittany Spears’.
to people who call it “supper” and not “dinner”: do you also have some crops to tend to? would you like me to go fetch you water from the well past the prairie? are the cold winter months coming? have you hunted for meat recently? is the bread ready? have you smelt the tears of
I wouldn’t walk 500 miles and then walk 500 more for anyone. I’d drive across town though maybe.
she think she can manipulate me wit them crystals, girl u is not Thanos
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.
Me: [starts testing all the smoke detectors]
Mufasa: you have forgotten who you are, what is wrong with you?
Simba: you could have appeared any time to tell everyone you were murdered? wtf is wrong with YOU?
Mufasa: this isn’t about me, now go
f i g h t m y b r o t h e r *evaporates*
“Welcome to the jungle”
Thanks.
“We’ve got fun and games”
Cool.
“You’re in the jungle”
We’ve established this
“You’re gonna die!”
Wait what?
My 13 y/o daughter is a little disappointed that her friends backed out of wearing an inflatable shark costume for Halloween and are going as Bluey characters instead but she’s sticking with the shark.
13: They just don’t take Halloween as seriously as me.
Sorry I made promises on Friday
Me: *eating a cinnamon roll*
3yo: Mommy, I want you to share like a good girl. Sharing is a good thing. *proceeds to take a bite of my food*
My first husband always hated it when I called him my first husband.
Daughter: Daddy, why do I have to go to bed so early?
Me: Because we have had enough of you for today