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Who do I have to marry to get a girlfriend around here


[job interview]
Interviewer: What is your biggest weakness
Me: Well, I don’t really want to do anything


Neighbor’s rooster hacks & crows like he’s been a lifelong smoker


ABC NEWS: Bees fly and make honey
FOX: Islamic insects attacking Texas
CNN: flying warbirds create liquid yellow weapons of mass destruction


*prints out my most successful tweets and mails them to my ex-girlfriends*


“Lets all start wearing weird ’90s mom jeans!” – girls now


Every 5 seconds a woman gives birth to a baby. Stop this woman