Anxiety causes your body to store fat so that’s one more thing to be anxious about.
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Don’t make me out nice you.
I want what they have
I hope my company doesn’t😂😂
Deathbed confession
Me: We’re bankrupt
Him: What? How?
Me: I lied about being able to fold fitted sheets. I bought new ones every time
My client sent an email that read, “…and then he said why don’t you myofb!”
Yes, I had to google that.
Yes, I will be using that in the future as frequently as possible. Myofb.
I’m hiring a motivational speaker for my lazy eye.
I’m not straight up gangster but I’m working on improving my posture.
If I had laser hair I would never get that shit removed.
The only way a “staycation” sounds good is if the rest of my family takes a “leavecation”
Nurse: *handing me a newborn* You got this?
Me: Sometimes I have to dig through the trash to re-read the instructions for mac ‘n’ cheese
I was going to eat a salad today, but then I remembered I’m not a rabbit.
*stops drinking liquids at 5pm*
BLADDER AT 3AM: still not good enough
The indescribable pain of having a client read off the options they see under “Settings.”
The most romantic way to propose is to put the ring in their dessert and when they bite it and break their tooth you yell “surprise, babe, you’re gonna be my wife and I have DENTAL COVERAGE”
[holstering a comically oversized mallet]
I’m a firm believer in the healing power of cartoon violence.
Me: I’m terrible at fractions
Also me, at work: In another 23 minutes I’ll be 64/73rds through the day
MOM: One more word and you are grounded missy
ME: (terrified of being electrocuted) Yay!
Sometimes as a woman all i want is for a man to grab me, throw me into bed and then clean my house while i sleep
[person at the grocery store is crowding my personal space]
me: oh hi do you work here can i ask you a question
[person at the grocery store is immediately no longer crowding my personal space]
waiter: “have we decided yet sir?”
me: [after practicing saying gnocchi to myself for 15 minutes] “the margarita pizza please”
When I think about ‘running a tight ship’ I’m reminded that I’m more of a ‘walking a loose boat’ kinda girl.
I did squats today. Mostly because I was hiding from a coworker.
* has cake for breakfast
* can’t finish afternoon run/calls an Uber
* blames running shoes
He’s 52, from now on let’s just call him John Depp.
January 29, 1802, 2 AM: I hope this letter finds you well. Are you up?
March 2: I am, good sir
April 6: Would you kindly come over?
May 9: K
Hey, we never talked in high school!
Let’s be Facebook friends so we can once again never talk!
JUST LIKE OLD TIMES!
The folks who named Good & Plenty just flat-out phoned it in.
Me: Hi—
Her: I have a boyfriend
Me: —and would you like fries with that?
Popped out a tiny human today so thats neat
me: hey big boy
friend: please don’t talk to the Lincoln memorial like that