Husband: I love you.
Me: Bullshit name 2 of my albums.
Anxiety causes your body to store fat so that’s one more thing to be anxious about.
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Her: Explain Twitter to me
Me: Know what sharks did to the Indianapolis’ crew when it sank?
Me: Much the same, just less compassion
Interviewer: Do you have any questions for me?
Me: When someone says you’re “cool as shit,” why is that a compliment?
waiter: would you like a table?
me: yes, the multiplication please
If a woman is in Lowe’s buying a plunger, she doesn’t want to be hit on. She’s dealing with enough shit already.
A boy met a girl
She:Every time u smile, I feel like inviting u to my place
He(smiling):Why thank u.. are u single?
She:No, I’m a dentist
Imagine accidentally walking in on someone in the bathroom who’s not on their phone.
Just sitting there, hands on their lap like a psychopath.
Ancestry dot com returned my check with a note saying every ancestor in my family was a horse thief. Every one.
Travel Agent: Hello sir! Interested in a vacation?
Me: *puts cat on the phone*
[20 mins later]
Travel Agent: I’ve got you booked for Maui