Anxiety causes your body to store fat so that’s one more thing to be anxious about.

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Her: Explain Twitter to me

Me: Know what sharks did to the Indianapolis’ crew when it sank?

H: Yes

Me: Much the same, just less compassion


Interviewer: Do you have any questions for me?
Me: When someone says you’re “cool as shit,” why is that a compliment?


waiter: would you like a table?

me: yes, the multiplication please


If a woman is in Lowe’s buying a plunger, she doesn’t want to be hit on. She’s dealing with enough shit already.


A boy met a girl

She:Every time u smile, I feel like inviting u to my place

He(smiling):Why thank u.. are u single?

She:No, I’m a dentist


Imagine accidentally walking in on someone in the bathroom who’s not on their phone.

Just sitting there, hands on their lap like a psychopath.


Ancestry dot com returned my check with a note saying every ancestor in my family was a horse thief. Every one.


Travel Agent: Hello sir! Interested in a vacation?

Me: *puts cat on the phone*

[20 mins later]

Travel Agent: I’ve got you booked for Maui