Anxiety causes your body to store fat so that’s one more thing to be anxious about.
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put ur hair in a man-bun. now put ur beard in a man-bun too. congratulations ur now a hamburger. be free, hamburger man.
In an attempt to be a fun summer mom (I don’t think it’s working), I bought the kids kits for sewing their own stuffies. My son is (I am) sewing a penguin. My daughter is (I am) sewing a llama. Everything is going well (it’s a hot mess and we never want to sew again).
What’s it called when there’s a bunch of big dry leaves on a darkened path but only one of them comes tumbling towards you.
A rat. A rat is what.
Ancient guys used to invent good stuff because they never had to untangle their headphones seventy three times every day.
Her: Sir, you account has been hacked.
Me: Twitter?
Her: No. Your Bank acc.
Me: Ooooh Thank God.
*Victorian letters to Santa*
My dearest Santa,
I trust this letter finds you well. We have had an exciting season with 7 family members succumbing to consumption.
*8 more pages of socially-accepted bigotry against every other nationality & poor people*
I would like an orange.
[me giving a TED Talk]
*repeatedly pronounces a hard first ‘c’ in ‘science’*
They say you will eat around 23 spiders in your life, but really you can eat as many as you want. Treat yourself, you deserve it.
Million dollar idea: an alarm clock that plays Nickelback if you hit snooze.
I told the kids they’ve stressed me out so much I burst a vessel in my eye, so they brought me a plate of cheese.
I was hoping for a clean kitchen but I am disarmingly soothed.
Remodel Shows: “Transform your fire escape into the perfect home office.”
Me: And for my third wish…
Genie: You realize that Little Caesar’s pizza is very affordable, right?
AC changed bail to basil, and now I’m sitting in jail with some lovely herbs.
most awkward objects to handle:
1. mattress
2. big sack of onions
3. dead guy rolled in a carpet
I don’t know why HR tell me I’m not allowed to use the fire extinguisher unless there’s a fire, then get cranky when I start one.
Hey m&m’s, I’ll be the judge if this bag is shareable or not.
The Grammy performers prove that no matter age, sex, race, religion or looks, I have no idea who most them are.
Having sex outside isn’t as spontaneous as everyone will have you believe. Carrying the bed out there is time consuming and heavy!
Me: You a good personal trainer?
Him: You bet your emotionally distant dad I am.
Me: [through tears] Wow, that’s personal. You’re hired.
when my nephew says the bad word i taught him:
Just because something’s vegan doesn’t mean it’s cruelty-free. For example, my ex-girlfriend
I thought my wife was super pissed at me, but it turns out she was only “disappointed” in me. Thank God, I definitely dodged a bullet there
Cashier: the receipt is in the bag
Me: you too
I never drive behind someone with a dream catcher hanging from the rearview mirror.
DO YOU THINK YOU MIGHT FALL ASLEEP AT ANY MOMENT?!?
I’ve never been a backseat driver. My arms aren’t long enough.
Sure, getting murdered is horrible, but have you ever been stuck in and endless group text?
[airline check-in]
SERVICE DESK: ok, I see you have no bags to check, you must be traveling light
PHOTON (wearing fake mustache): haha what makes you say that
Him: You seem super chill.
Me: You seem like a bad judge of character.
I tried a vegan recipe book last night. It was much tastier than any of the recipes in it.
Once a lady asked me to guess her age. I don’t like playing this game but she insisted. I gave her a good look, estimated her age, and subtracted 10 years just to be safe. “37” I said. Well for a 26 yo she threw quite the fit.
Anyway the lesson here is don’t smoke cigarettes.