psa: don’t ruin the thanksgiving meal by bringing up politics. ruin the meal by telling your family you don’t know half of them half as well as you should like and like less than half of them half as well as they deserve then vanishing while they try to figure out what you meant
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Welcome to middle age.
Only one nostril works
Her: OMG my feet are sooo cold, like ice!
Me: No, don’t put them on m-… gahhh!Repeat until I die, she assures me it was in the wedding vows.
Avoid talking politics at Thanksgiving this year by getting a sweet neck tattoo the day before
Working from home really has its benefits. I can’t even remember the last time I wore pants.
Woman delivering my pizza:
[pretends my phone rings while on date] i gotta take this. hello? oh hi [watches date for reaction]… the teenage mutant ninja turtles
Not sure if I want buns of steel, or buns of cinnamon.
Human: [doing homework]
Dog: why aren’t you eating that
Do my kids help me cook? No.
But do they like what I cook? Also no.
Ok, but do they at least come when I call them to eat? *deepest, longest sigh imaginable*
I yell “COVER ME!” at my family everyday when I go to the mailbox.
You don’t need to wear clothes in public if you can run fast enough.
Kale: i strengthen the immune system
Avocado: i’m a healthy fat
Quinoa: i provide fiber & protein
Deep Fried Twinkie: i cause diabetes
Me: six twinkies please
ZOO BOSS: You’re fired!
ME: Is it because I cross bred a dog with a zebra and called it a Debra, after my wife?
BOSS: Yes. Yes it is.
Afraid to fly? It’s perfectly safe except that air traffic controllers are all gov’t employees forced to work the holidays.
Merry Xmas.
I put a Justin Bieber’s song as my alarm tone and it works wonders cuz I wake up before it goes off so I don’t have to listen to that shit.
Being a mom means being the first one up in the morning, the last one to bed at night, and the only one drinking during church.
Due to personal reasons, I’ve decided to become a mermaid that lures sailors to their doom.
Your baby’s got pink eye, bronchitis AND a double ear infection?
Are you even trying to keep him alive?
If anyone is looking for a nice restaurant that has a great menu and very polite staff, check out the one I went to with my parents and my sister in 2014. Can’t remember what it was called but it had a lovely ambiance and we were all very satisfied with our meals. Recommended 👍
“Taking candy from a baby” would actually be a responsible thing to do.
Cows are vegetarians too, but you won’t hear them bragging about it on Twitter.
“No, no, I’m fine. This is how I live now.”
-Me laying face down on the floor
One time someone told me the camera adds 10 pounds and I was like why would anyone eat a camera you idiot?
I like to ask strangers in line at the DMV to guess my weight just so I can see what I can get away with putting on my license.
A Jenga tower with French Toast sticks and every time you pull one out you eat it and if you knock the whole thing over you eat it.
My favorite exchange on Twitter today.
[brainstorming movie scripts]
writer: a romantic comedy? guy sees girl in red dress and falls in-
stephen king: what if it’s an evil dress
My 13 y.o. son told me that when he hits 99 pounds, he wants to eat one pound of nachos on his own so he can be 1% nacho.
Look what the cat dragged in!
*freaks out remembering I don’t have a cat and house was built on top of a pet cemetery*
When I call out the wrong name during sex, I just segue into singing Mambo No. 5.