Anxiety = waiting to see if the middle seat will stay unoccupied as people are boarding your flight.
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“Snitches get stitches”
Cute little rhyme..
However I believe,
“Snitches never wake up again”
is more likely to deter snitching…
My five year old keeps asking about our plans “over the holidays.” By “the holidays” she’s referring to her birthday next month.
What if this “alert” was just Americans being called in from recess?
Enough of your nonsense, nap time.
Prayers for my distraught 5yo whose pet ice cube just melted in his apple juice
“The guy is pure evil!”
“He’s complex”
“Religious icons and Bibles catch on fire when he walks by!”
“He’s deep!”
“Priests and Pastors drop dead when they look at him!”
“He’s troubled! Stop being negative!”
Microsoft threatens to resurrect Clippy as an Office emoji
I don’t like swiss cheese because a block is like half air and I prefer cheese to oxygen
{Bear walks up to me}
ME: Plays dead
BEAR: Get up, I just want to talk. Who are you voting for in the election
ME: Ugh, a poller bear
Wife is painting the upstairs bedrooms. It’s not in my nature to sit still while she slaves away so I went up and complained about the color
men don’t eject their eyes from their sockets and yell awooga anymore
I offer kid $1 to do a chore. He sticks dollar in pocket. I get dollar back on laundry day.
Lather. Rinse. Repeat!
“We’re out of options, I’ll have to use the jetpack,” I said, strapping on the jetpack and ignoring many non-jetpack options still available
you, a dumb idiot: today is friday the 13th
me, a wise genius: there have been way more than 13 fridays
My reaction to winning a billion dollars wouldn’t even come close to my 5 year old’s reaction when I told him that there’s no school today.
[someone stops being my friend]
ah that’s sad they must have died
[Awards ceremony]
“And winner of ‘The Most Unusual Name of the Year’ goes to… drum roll please…”Drumroll Please: “Thanks so much!”
THE GUY WHO INVENTED FIREWORKS: i’m gonna kill god.
Not sure why I am thinking tonight about our elderly neighbor when I was 7, who had giant bountiful pear trees on his property. One day he stopped by unexpectedly with a bushel of pears, and after my mom, surprised and delighted, had thanked him, he handed her a bill for them.
Brb taking my potted plant for a walk
“And that is tha sunshine, and this is another plant, you guys can’t be friends he lives outside”
[furiously scribbles HE’S LYING on a piece of paper and pushes it across the table]
My Girlfriend: The waiter isn’t lying about the specials
Dracula & other undead people who sleep in coffins must have good abs. They always rise up flat-backed when the casket opens.
my husband thinks i accepted his apology but wait until he sees that i rearranged the tool shed
Ann Coulter has managed to stay so thin because the last solid meal she ate was Hansel and Gretel.
Being an adult is way worse than being a kid. No matter how good I do at work no one ever takes me out for ice cream after
If my name was Pooh I wouldn’t wear pants either
I am far too familiar with the bathroom floor to ever be judgemental of anyone else’s life decisions.
Can I get a piña colada please.
‘This is Starbucks’
Sorry, can I have venti piña colada.
On one hand, I’m intrigued by witchcraft. On the other hand, it seems like it involves a lot of chopping and cooking.
[calls home]
son: hello
me: hi, put mom on the phone
son: I can’t
me: why
son: she’s too heavy
Claustrophobia is the fear of closed spaces…
For example, I’m going to the liquor store and I’m scared that it may be closed…