Animal testing is pointless. We already know they’re animals.
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Legally you’re obligated to say “I’ll be glad when all this construction is finished” any time you drive through construction.
Husband: Why are you whispering?
Me: because I’m wearing spanx and i can’t breathe or feel my hands or feet much less speak in a normal voice
Husband: I don’t know why you wore those it didn’t even make that much difference.
Me: I WILL KILL YOU WITH MY BARE HANDS
Me: [giving eulogy] He was a good man. He was a kind man. He was born to the blade, and merciless. He had a secret robot arm that shot out the side of his head. He was nine inches tall and invisible on Tuesdays. He wanted you to know the truth let go of me they need to hear this
When I hear “This call is being monitored for quality assurance” I think “Cool, let’s see how bad this person wants their job.”
We’re going to run out of sausage if no one ever wants to know how it’s made
Lost my phone, went looking, set down coffee.
Found phone, went back, where’d I put coffee?
this guy with binoculars has been watching me watch him with binoculars and i don’t know who’s winning
hoarder on TV: pls help me doc
therapist: of course. lets start by throwing out all these anime posters. we’ll take them to my car
No haunted houses for me this year. If I wanna be frightened I’ll just look at my 401k.
[gets down on one knee]
her: omg
[gets down on two knees]
her: ok…
[gets down on third knee]
her: wtf
I took the liberty of rearranging my husband’s office this week. The tears streaming down his face are all the thanks I need.
ER Nurse: Let me get this straight. You microwaved your food for too long and burned the inside of your mouth?
Me (mouthful of bandaids): Yesh.
When a nurse checks your blood pressure they should immediately clarify whether it’s good or bad. “130 over 90” ok cool are we just saying numbers
The restaurant scene from When Harry Met Sally, but just me getting a pat down from airport security.
Hot singles in your area are eating chili.
I find it creepy when I am walking my dog and a passersby want to know if its a boy or girl. Why?? I’m not letting you have sex with my dog.
Army guy: sniper in the clock tower, 6 o’clock
Me [seeing the time on the clock tower says 5 o’clock]: we’ll worry about him in an hour then
don’t like how strawberries have their seeds on the outside. kinda freaks me out. put a shirt on u little weirdo
Survival Tip: if a bear comes at you, do not try to “sweep the leg”. They’ve all seen The Karate Kid and learned how to defend against it.
me, every single month: why do i feel like shit. why am i so bloated. why am i so upset. i have never felt like this before in my life
Dog: [sound asleep, eyes rolled back in head, legs twitching from dream]
Me: [momentarily thinks about peanut butter]
Dog: [waiting in kitchen with spoon]
[noir voice-over] I wasn’t a real man. Just three kids stacked on top of each other in a trenchcoat. She knew it, too. She also knew I was the only one who could solve her husband’s murder
My dad could kick ur dads ass!
Um have u seen my dad
Hes a big guy huh?
No really have u seen him? He left when I was 9 & never came back
Me: *leaning into him* I wanna do things to you that are illegal in 50 states
Him: yeah?
*steals his car*
Get yourself a cat who can do plumbing 🙂🐾
Me: You get your smarts from me.
My kid: Yep, I got your mustache too. Heyooo!
So, free to a good home if anyone wants a kid.
Good slumber party questions:
– What’s the furthest underground you’ve ever eaten a burger
– How many necks have you touched
– What’s pesto
“Asparagus!!!” – italian guy named Gus pleading for his life
“This race is over,” said Donald Trump, referring to the entire human race if he is elected president.
The roof of my mouth just healed from a McDonald’s apple pie I had in 1999