[any baby is born]
society: first thing we gotta do is teach it animal sounds
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If you haven’t manipulated your kids into calling grandma to ask to sleep over, you’re missing out on a crucial parenting hack.
Priest: Don’t chew gum in church.
Me: If I don’t, I’ll have bad breath when I talk to God.
Priest:
Me: It’s your fault if I go to hell.
[runs to the door to greet wife]
I’m afraid there’s been a terrible accident involving all the things you asked me to do today.
I’ve decided to try water tomorrow, I’m pretty excited.
If you haven’t been to the Grand Canyon, I highly recommend it. It’s just gorges
a whale can launch it’s entire body out of the ocean and you have trouble getting out of bed in the morning
Nobody:
Nobody:
Nobody:
Nobody:
Me: ahhh my severed head collection is coming along nicely
nothing makes me feel appreciated at work more than management sweetly saying “have you been helped?” because they have no idea i work here
I won every fight in 1st grade.
Not because I was tough, because I was 13.
“Thanks for turning me into an expression of contempt. Sorry about making delicious nourishment so damned accessible.”
-Low-hanging fruit
Does my family really expect me to express my love for them on Valentine’s Day when we’ve been trapped together for months??
Dear Evolution,
It’s a conference call, not a bear attack. How about making me super eloquent instead of the heart rate and adrenaline?
Screw that. I love this bench and I don’t care who knows it!
I slept like a log last night.
A badger pissed on me.
me: I want to be handsome like my dad
friend: is your dad handsome?
me: no but he wants to be too
My daddy always said, life is like a tray of nachos, a big hot mess held together by cheese
Could a murderer do THIS?
*lawyer points to defendant doing cool tap dance*
I remind the jury that only guilty feet have got no rhythm.
No one rushes to view your WhatsApp status like people who have their read receipt off.
I showered and left the house. The least you could do is fall madly in love with me
Partner: It’s raining
Me: But just water, right, not frogs or fire or anything
Staring at my daughters dolls and wondering which one will kill me in my sleep.
A handshake means something completely different to a cannibal.
I’ve changed a lot as a parent after 4 kids. My oldest started school knowing a lot of random academic things. My 4th will start school knowing the lyrics to Queen. We will find out which method works best in like 20 yrs or so.
Sex tip: if you get bored you can always end the sex simply by saying “I have ejaculated.”
I bet my church never imagined it was even possible to twerk to Amazing Grace.
Is this one haunted?
“No”
What about that one?
“Ma’am, none of the booze is haunted”
What kind of wine and spirits store is this?!
[at the club]
Me: I got the moves
Her: it’s “runs”
Once I ‘get’ a man, how do I keep him, you ask?
It’s simple you idiot. I add cheese to everything. He makes lasagna; I add cheese. He wants to have a pass; I throw straight cheese. He wants to discuss fundamental physics; I buy string cheese…
I’m just one bad financial decision away from a flip phone.
push came to shove, and that’s when he realized that he was in a mosh pit