Any bar is a karaoke bar if you’re drunk enough.
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They say kids grow up fast but I just licked my thumb & wiped my son’s face so parents grow up fast too. I’ve already become my grandmother.
Rich people in movies apparently can’t drink scotch without telling everyone how old it is.
Kid 1: I’m bored
Kid 2: me too
Kid 3: our parents gave us horrible names
They say it takes a village to raise a child, but they never tell me which village or how to reach them.
[GOING BACK IN TIME]
Me: Oh my god, I’m in the middle of the First World War!
Everybody: The what now?
When there’s food around, our cat is like an adorable, fluffy shark circling round.
[guy who’s about to invent dates]
*eating a meal* what if I could disappoint someone else at the same time?
Can someone please invent pantyhose that don’t rip?
I think everyone in this bank just saw my face.
On the 5th day, god was hungover & didn’t feel up to much so he created worms, shoelaces & spaghetti, then punched out just after 1pm.
Not to brag, but a news anchor started following me today. She recognizes a disaster when she sees one.
Looking forward to the video call with my mother and having a hearty conversation with her magnified thumb
Too tall: “How’s the weather up there?”
Too short: “How’s the weather down there?”
Average height: “I am cursed to rely on others to know what the weather is like”
ME AT 15: “I want video games to have the best graphics and biggest explosions and deepest stories and coolest characters to show that this is truly the art form of the future pew pew pew”
ME AT 35: “I want video games to have an option to make text bigger.”
[first date]
Her: omg are you wearing a cape? Lol
Me: [texting mom] ok you were right about the cape
Please send thoughts and prayers to my cats, they shall surely never recover from the sound of the popcorn maker
To all my new moms, I highly recommend you start working on that upper body strength. Because you’re going to need to to haul a kicking toddler around football style.
@MissNaughty1801 @funTweeters I love my boys eldest is getmeabeer youngest is whatthefuck
Why are so many men suddenly curious who my father is right in the middle of our lovemaking?
DOCTOR: To cure your blue skin condition, you must immerse your entire head in this vat of chemicals
GUY ABOUT TO BECOME SKELETOR: Sounds crazy but okay
Heckling someone at their third wedding automatically removes you from their fourth wedding invitee list
The more you know
Him: so you like bad boys?
Me: of course not
Him: oh. but your tinder profile sa-
Me: -wait just a minute [my dog leaves the room] ok he’s gone. no that was a lie, I totally do
I can’t find my scrabble set and I’m honestly lost for words.
Should we just leave the door open for Santa since we don’t have a chimney?
-my kid who is about to get us burglarized
okay run it by me one more time
Cowboy outfits should be called ranch dressing.
6-year-old: What if dementors attack our house?
Me: They can’t get in.
6: Why not?
Me: My patronus is a screaming toddler.
Coworker: Is this anyone’s old food smelling up the fridge?
Me, knowing it’s mine: Ha ha no clue.
beware of dog
(jukin media)
Sometimes I look at myself in the mirror and wonder, “Do my children just spit directly at their face when brushing their teeth?”
[throwing coin into fountain] I wish I was better with money