Any beach is a nude beach if you drink enough alcohol
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Her: (Sigh) How did you burn the Thanksgiving Turkey?
Me: I followed the directions. 20 minutes a pound at 325 degrees. I weigh 175 pounds!
A wise man once said… absolutely nothing.
He let her vent and then they had sex afterward.
Netflix: “Are you still watching? Do you have any hobbies?”
I have a picture of Leonard Nimoy holding a kitten.
I call it Spock and Aww.
Thank you. Goodnight, everybody.
My greatest fear is waking up after being buried alive so I’ve decided to be cremated
*wakes up in cremation oven*
Shepherd’s wife: You always seem so happy dear.
Shepherd: I got ewe babe.
I’m afraid my neighbors are starting to notice that I can’t tell them apart but greet each of their dogs by name.
Lord I was born a ramblin’ man.
You can tell by my endless and pointless tweets.
Whenever I see a good looking firefighter, I stop, drop, and roll, so he knows I’m knowledgeable about fire safety.
*holds up bread* this is my body
*holds up wine* this is my blood
*holds up fire* and this is my mixtape
coworker suggested i drink fewer than six energy drinks so i tossed him through the break room like a discus
Muchacha is my favorite Spanish word that sounds like cows dancing.
I lost 6 hours of sleep last night, lying in bed wondering if Muppets get haircuts.
“Mom…dad…the truth is…I just don’t like steampunk.”
*mother weeps into a handkerchief on a telescoping brass gimble-arm*
*father shouts, ‘You’re no son of mine!’ and flies away in his gear-driven veloci-thopter*
Flame has not adjusted back to house life yet. She stole a cinnamon roll from the kitchen and ate it.
*learning CPR*
CPR dummy: I have a boyfriend.
[helps little old lady across street]
ME: so can I be in your will?
In the movie Speed, Keanu saves the passengers thanks to a gif
[date]
Me, struggling to pronounce things on the menu: I’ll just have the chicken nouj-
Date: nuggets
*gets dragged out of daycare* DON’T LISTEN TO THEM! IT’S NOT A CHOO-CHOO! IT’S A SPOON!! IT’S STRAINED CARROTS IN A SPOO
{me trying to sound cool in front of my son’s friends} ‘sup bruhs tell your moms i said yeet
When your lawyer’s lawyer has a lawyer and that lawyer has a “spokesman”…
You’re probably into some shady shit!
Why couldn’t the Italian chef open the door?
Because he had gnocchi
*quietly waits for the reply guys
Yes. You rt’d me 14 times in a row. Thanks.
You are first in line for my liver when the time comes.
Me: I want you to make me a better person
Frankenstein: you barely touch the one you have now
It feels so good on a cold morning, a hoodie fresh from the dryer…
When I have a tough decision, I ask myself…
“What would Jesus do?”
Then, I remember how things turned out for him…
And, flip a coin.
I miss bars. I miss ordering a nice drink and having multiple people ask me if I’m a model. Then more people ask me if I’m a model. Everyone at the bar would start yelling “are you a model?!”until I’d have to stand on the bar and make a formal announcement that I am NOT a model
What does it mean when your therapist throws up into the trash can, not once, but twice during your session?