Any car can be a dream car if you fall asleep while you’re driving.
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Cinderella: [changing clothes after the wedding, removes one shoe]
Prince Charming: omg babe where did you go
My body is a wonderland, but like, the “Alice In” type. Everything is the wrong size. Tons of tea in there. Cats everywhere.
If the Pottery Barn didn’t want me to bring my goat in the store, they shouldn’t have called it a barn.
I knocked over a plant in the kitchen but my cat saw me so I had to spray myself with water so I could show the law applies to everyone
The Roomba is broken and now my wife expects me to fix it like she married Inspector Gadget or something.
Man: “I think I saw a UFO last night”
UFO with fake moustache: “Nah, it was probably one of them optical gases or something”
my cat smells like cigarettes again & i’m sick of his excuses
*walks in on family gathering*
I AM NOT CLEANING UP ALL OF THIS BLOOD
7 brought me breakfast in bed, which in theory was super sweet, except in reality it was a poptart at 4am.
I eat the fries that are loose at the bottom of the bag first. That’s what they get for trying to escape.
Col Mustard: We’ll have a quiet night
Miss Scarlet: No murdering!
Professor Plum: No one dying tonight!
Me: What’s wrong? Are you all “board” of it lmao
*long pause*
Col Mustard: Maybe a little murdering
Miss Scarlet: Toss me that candlestick
“I should probably start filling this thing out.”
-I say about my son’s baby memory book on his wedding day.
Me: [giving eulogy] He was a good man. He was a kind man. He was born to the blade, and merciless. He had a secret robot arm that shot out the side of his head. He was nine inches tall and invisible on Tuesdays. He wanted you to know the truth let go of me they need to hear this
“Bluetooth or Insane?” is a fun game we all play when we see a lone person speaking out loud in public.
I think it’s fair to question whether or not Barack Obama is an American. I mean, look at him.
He’s awfully thin…
As a kid I wanted a Jetsons like future, but now I get emails from my vacuum cleaner so be careful what you wish for.
me: you’re killing it
my murderer: that’s so nice of you to say
Having someone sing you to sleep is so comforting.
Until you realize you live alone.
This red flag smells like chloroformZZZ.
Me: *throws banana peel onto the ground*
Wife: what are you doing?!
Me: what? They’re biodegradable
Wife: *picks peel off the bedroom floor*
Wife: *angry; flings wine onto “dinner guest”; storms out of room
Me: *consoles visibly upset raccoon
If I’m going to pick up something and I ask you, “What would you like?“ and you say “I don’t know, surprise me” I will come back with nothing for you, cuz surprise, you should of made a decision.
Me: I named you kids after my favorite Pearl Jam songs
Jeremy: That’s really cool dad
Elderly Woman Behind the Counter in a Small Town: It’s not, actually
Every haunted house movie:
I found a spider in my shoes. He looks ridiculous, they’re way too big for him.
Grimace: *commits crimes against the United States*
Law Enforcement: “We believe we’ve identified the purpletraitor”.
The people making the worst decisions in Vegas tonight are standing in line at Subway.
me: I was busted by the cops
friend: weird. I had a plastic surgeon do mine
Yelling at my cat to stop hissing at my other cat, for god’s sake, Milo, we’ve got a pandemic on
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesi-tato
😂