One time in 1997 I forgot to close my air quotes so everything I’ve said since then has been sarcastic
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*tooth fairy arrested for incisor trading*
I’ll make you feel safe in that you’ll know you can outrun me if we are being chased by a murderer.
Heading out crocodile.
See you another time alligator.
Twitter is great because it allows me to show off my hilarious mind without showing off my hilarious body…
Jealous that secret agents can get out of any phone conversation at any time by saying “it’s not safe to talk on the phone right now”
I always wondered if the distinct piss smell that Burger King is known for is authentic or if it’s just a spray they use.
Imagine a hunter in a deer stand but instead of a gun he has a long stick he pokes the deer with and they look around like “ok who did that”
Got a new bottle of shampoo and now I’m using what’s left in the old one with the reckless abandon of someone who just won the lottery.
I’ve watched three episodes of “I Shouldn’t Be Alive” tonight, adding “outdoor enthusiast and survival expert” to my online dating profile.
Unless you are literally the Dark Lord Voldemort then a snake is just not an acceptable pet dude
Mind: I still feel like a 20 year old…
Body: LOL.
Me: welcome to my she shed
Gynecologist: please don’t call it that
Not how I expected him to come back but okay.
I’ll never forget my grandad’s last words on his deathbed.
He said: “I should never have bought this deathbed. Asking for trouble…”
People who complain about parties must not like free food.
Just took my 8,647th accidental screenshot of my lock screen while putting my phone in my pocket
I’ve been battered by seafood puns
oh my cod
*phone rings*
Wife: “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”
Me (a dad): “Hello. Yes my wife is here. Hey, Not In. It’s for you.”
Wife: “….”
The Queen is crazy if she thinks I’m going to wait until February
HOT SINGLES HAVE MIGRATED AWAY FROM YOUR AREA DUE TO CLIMATE CHANGE
him, texting from the party: where did you go???
me, already home in bed: bathroom brb
I’m close to breaking this whole thing wide open
Me: Liar, liar, pants on fire! Nose as long as a telephone wire!
Daughter: A telephone WHAT?
Me: Wire.
Daughter: That doesn’t make sense.
This is my first Apocalypse, I don’t know what to wear.
David Bowie: We can be heroes
Me: No thanks
David Bowie: Just for one—
Me: I said I’m not interested
In no functioning society should the sentence “Someone stole my ape cartoon” be followed by “now my life savings are gone”
Friend: I can’t believe they’re already selling Halloween candy in sto—
Me: *Already in the car, driving to the store*
me: sorry I have to go my, uh, cat is texting me
date: omg just tell me you’re not interested
cat still texting: THE GOOD LITTER HAVE I MADE MYSELF CLEAR
Finding the smoke alarm with the dying battery is just the adult version of Marco Polo.
Today I quit drinking wine for good.
Now I only drink for evil.