Any dad can be a stepdad if you use him to reach the top shelf
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Me: You can’t stay home by yourself.
8-year-old: You can trust me, Dad. I’m responsible.
Me: You’re holding nunchucks.
8: I’m holding nunchucks responsibly.
Him: You put feathers of a crow in this drink?
Me: Yes, I made sure they all came from 1 crow. It’s…
Him: Please don’t.
Me: …single molt
I don’t mean to brag, but i’m an amazing sport coach. I can make ppl run very fast.
*From me
I wish this was real life…
computer: choose new password
math teacher: algebra
computer: password must contain numbers
math teacher: algebraXY
What’s this thing called? I’m going with “boingy boinger”
ANT: hey did you find any food to bring back to the queen?
SUPER FAT ANT: the who?
I never finish anything. I have a black belt in partial arts.
*Meeting GF parents*
What are your intentions with our daughter?
Uh I need someone to sing the girl parts of Grease songs with me
I won’t tell anyone if I win the lottery, but if I did, you’d see someone else cutting all this damn grass.
I get my eyes from my Dad & the ability to find something wrong with almost anything from my Mom
its cool in movies when a guy blows into town and after a 30 second conversation an old guy is like, you can work in my bar and sleep in the spare room above the garage and eat meals with my family and have sex with my daughter
Remember when movies didn’t show you the entire plot in the trailer?
A solid knife fighting strategy is to move clockwise in increasingly larger circles until you reach a safe running distance.
I’m sorry but I love this one 🤣🤣🤣
The good thing about being tall is, you can’t get lost in a crowd.
The bad thing is, you can’t get lost in a crowd.
I did the universal sign for “call me” and my tween gave me a confused look and asked “on a banana?”
my ex: i want u back
me: the groupchat said no
dollar store pregnancy test instructions say to pee on the stick then wait 9 months
*teaches nephew about the telegraph*
him: people could already text and we still invented the telephone?
Yesterday I taught my boss to play Angry Birds. Today, she “couldn’t make it in to work.” This is called managing upwards, people.
Text:
Me: I want you to know I love you from the depths of my soul. You are my essence & the reason I live. With you, I am whole.
Her: K
What’s your spirit animal?
“An eagle. They’re so majestic.”
MEANWHILE
Horse: hey eagle, what’s your spirit human
Eagle: this guy Dave
please stop making me feed my video game characters. i shouldn’t have the fact they are living better than me rubbed in my face like this.
today my sister said “I thought of you because I saw the stupidest tweet. just the dumbest freaking tweet” this went on for ten minutes
Sleeping Beauty has a pretty good situation going on until Prince Charming came and screwed it up.
remember if you’re not helping cook be sure to ask (in a half hearted fashion) if they need any assistance and leave the room before they answer
How to Get a Girlfriend: Out at Sea
Me: *rocks boat*
Her: Hey!
Me: *rocks faster*
Her: Can we PLEASE go steady?
Me: I do.
“SO WE’RE NOT KNOCKING ANYMORE??!!”