Autocorrect got me in trouble again when I invited the neighbors over for a friendly game of Go Fist.
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12 yr old me: Some old lady yelled at me
25 yr old me: Look at that old lady yelling at some poor kid
50 yr old me: I had to yell at some kid
screaming until I turn this migraine into an us-graine 😉
4-year-old: You ate candy bars without me!
Me: No I didn’t. I just bought empty wrappers
4:
Me:
4: Next time buy ones with candy in them
Depends on what the free sample is. Is it brisket?
Relationship Status: Married long enough to know when I hear her say “I love you,” she’s talking to our dog.
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
If you liked it then you should have put a rig on it
Annual reminder that one year my mom sent out her christmas cards without looking at them first and didn’t see they printed them with “Lou” instead of “Love” and everyone called and asked her who tf Lou was and she had no idea what they were talking about
Nice try cereal but everyone knows that the real breakfast of champions is three chocolate glazed donuts.
[Installing ceiling fan]
Me: drill…screwdriver… tape…there finished!Wife on the phone: Is this Bob’s fix-it shop? Yeah, he just got done.
Nobody ever says “OMG I saw your twin!” and shows you a picture of somebody attractive. It’s always like “OMG I saw your twin!” and then it’s a picture of a half-eaten sandwich in the garbage
someone just dropped a glass at the hotel breakfast and three different people shouted “buddy!” at the same time. this city rules lol
If a guy runs his fingers through your hair, there is a 33.3% chance you are being used as a napkin.
If Wile E. Coyote and the Roadrunner taught me one thing it’s that when someone is mildly annoying you should devote the remainder of your life to destroying them.
I love strapping my kids into their car seats.
It’s the closest I can legally come to putting them in straitjackets.
I took a break from social media to spend more time with my family. My family has requested I spend more time with social media.
To all the men out there without ponytails: What are you afraid of? SUCCESS???
ME, my last day as a doctor: Sir, your sugar is dangerously high. You need to eat less… *checking the notes on my hand*… crabs.
model UN: we follow parliamentary procedure, you can’t just call “dibs”
me:
model UN: also you can only be countries that exist
me: the nation of flavortown declares war on the UN
Me: you married?
Him: separated
Me: your wife know about that?
Him: I’m thinking about shaving my beard
Her: Okay
Him: You don’t mind?
Her: Nope
Him: Great
Her: I’m thinking about getting a divorce
Him: You’ve made your point
I’m willing to go through a weeks worth of training at McDonalds just so I can say “Have a great McFuckin day” to people until I get fired.
You look like the kinda person who eats the DO NOT EAT silica packets
Love when people make a point and then bust out the “ever think of that?!” Like no. Almost certainly not. I have 8 thoughts a day and 5 of them are about sandwiches
A financial advisor from my bank called to various savings options as if she doesn’t have access to my account information.
COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: Because I didn’t floss?
DENTIST: *rips off cop mask* I gotcha now, you son of a-
No, I understood you perfectly. I just have resting confused face.
*yells from the back of an ambulance*
“Can you drop me off at the corner, I can’t afford this!”
Yea, music today sucks. But don’t forget that at one point we all listened to some idiot ask who let the dogs out for 4 minutes.
Came home and my cat was on the porch cuddling with a baby skunk. When the skunk saw me he took off like I had caught him in bed with my girlfriend.
My 4-year-old asked me what my name was when I was a kid and she was not ready for the wild coincidence when I told her I was also named Kristen as a child