“You did it!”
“You did it!”
“You did it!”
-dog watching me fail to solve a rubiks cube
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My husband: If mushrooms can have a vocabulary of up to 50 words to communicate with each other, I’m pretty sure you can tell me where you’d like to eat.
Me: I don’t know, where do you want to eat?
Me: I don’t mean to overstep but I would be a great hire.
Employer: In that case the Ministry of Silly Walks is not for you.
Me *goose step, tippy toe, barrel roll out the door*: Best of luck!
Employer *high kick, sashay to trashcan with resume*: Damn shame.
Cashier: How are you today?
Me: You too.
🤦🏻♂️
Forget the dress guys….. What color am I?
I have never related to a cat more
Got introduced to a person at work then immediately forgot his name, so now I have to hire a private investigator to follow him home and find out his name because I am a guy and guys will never admit we forgot your name
The stock market may be down but with all the parents needing to stay home with their kids for the foreseeable future I am heavily investing in vodka futures.
When a guy asks me for pics, I send pics of Margaret Thatcher.
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
AUDIOBOOK ENGINEER: Out loud.
ME: Oh.
Day 218 of making fun of CrossFit.
Do you smell smoke?
I always say that when I fart. It makes people take a deep breath.
Lying to stupid people can give you a profound sense of satisfaction, it can also make you president.
[trying to sneak a water bottle through security]
TSA agent: Good evening sir
Me: Nothing
Son: *picks up backpack* I’m off!
Me: Where are you going?
Son: The bathroom. I hear it’s great this time of year. Been planning this trip for minutes.
[later]
Me: How was your trip?
Son: Highly recommend it. Good to get away for a while.
I’ve banned my kid from his X Box today so he’s gone to a barn on the outskirts of town to dance out his frustrations.
Me: You must train hard to beat Kylo Ren.
Rey: I already beat him once with literally no training.
Me:
Rey: Look. I still have two hands.
Don’t make a mountain out of a molehill
Do it with mashed potatoes, then play keyboard for the aliens… I think my cough medicine expired
You when you started twitter vs. you now.
Okay friends, gonna start reading Garfield comics please don’t spoil which day he doesn’t like for me.
me: I know we’ve only been together a short time, but I made you a mixed tape
kidnapper: 😳
Instead of a dress code every senator should get to choose how one other senator dresses.
If you love someone, tell them.
If they make a throat slash motion when they see you coming, it’s probably not reciprocated.
Chameleon wife: “Does my bum look big in this dress?”
Chameleon husband: “What dress? Where are you?”
If I ever meet you and you don’t look anything like your avi,you’re buying drinks for me until you do
Something about watching Catfish makes me wanna catfish someone so bad and I don’t think that’s what they’re going for
Him: I’m a morning person
Me *scared of werewolves* w…what are you at night??
me: correct me if I’m wrong-
the internet: sir, we will correct you even if you’re right
I am extremely flexible & can lift my legs up while balancing in strange positions
Ooh yeah fellas, I can flush a public toilet w/out hands
Walking into WalMart with my kids, “Remember, kids – use your Target voices.”