Any day now, there will be a country song called “(He broke up with me from) 6 Feet Apart”.
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Little known fact, Alvin wore the big A on his shirt because he slept around.
My foot just now fell asleep which means I’ve finally gained its trust.
I want to learn scuba diving but I’m terrified of the orchestral music in underwater documentaries.
THIS HEADLINE
If you ever come across a bear in the wild, throw a tiny bicycle at him.
Then, just let his circus instincts take care of the rest.
#DidYouKnow?
As I handed my dad his 50th birthday card he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said, “son you know one card would have been enough” . 😂🤣
Navy: (subtweets)
Army: (helicoptertweets)
Pain medication got me itching to operate heavy machinery in the dark
My daughter told me that I should be a little faster with her laundry and asked if I could fold things a little neater. She had a whole near-death experience and didn’t even realize.
The coolest feature of being over age 40 is now when I get a pimple it only takes 14 months to go away.
Burglars are getting very clever these days..
Last night, my wife woke me up..*Darling! Darling! There’s a burglar downstairs!!*
So I go down, check every room and don’t find anyone.
Then I realized I don’t have a wife and when I went back upstairs my bed and tv were gone.
Popeye teaches us that the best reason to eat healthy is revenge. #CartoonLifeLessons
The label on the pack of the supplements I just bought says “Keep in a dark place”, so I stored it in my memories.
Me: *hits snooze on alarm
Life: *sets off smoke detector
Don’t call them paint “chips” if you don’t want me to snack on em.
and now a text from my mom:
are you okay??? you didn’t like my fb post about making jam, so I got worried
Tombstone: Here lies Houdini
2nd Tombstone: Now I’m over here
When I ask, “Is it genetic?” What I’m really asking is, “Can I blame my ancestors?”
me: you can’t take a joke
joke thief: what
The secret to a fulfilling and loving relationship is mortal kombat
Your Game of Thrones name is your biggest fear spelled backwards plus the profession your guidance counselor suggested. Mine is Snwolc Clown
Sexy Time:
*removes fluffy bathrobe to reveal second even fluffier bathrobe*
7: [from bed] MOM!
Me: YES?
7: *mumbling
Me: WHAT?
7: *mumbling
Me: HUH?
7: *mumbling
Me: *pauses movie*
7: WHAT DOES LIGHTNING TASTE LIKE?
[a shark bites my arm off at the bicep]
me: “MY TATTOOS”
“Face my fears?” Lol what am I, brave?
I’m a multitasker, for example I can be a couch potato and a baked potato at the same time
I am just a girl, standing in front of the laundry, hoping it will wash itself.
“most famous reindeer of all” isn’t all that impressive tbh. compared to whom, exactly
If you love something, set it free
If you hate something, do origami
If you’re hungry, go watch a movie
I don’t understand how advice works
My boss accused me of sticking my finger in his BD cake in the break room fridge, but he is completely wrong, it wasn’t my finger.