any doctors here? am I allowed to get a wax during my epidural? it’s genius and there’s a ton of time to kill anyhow
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“How would you describe the woman who attacked you?”
*Describes mother*
*Gets a copy of picture*
*Gives it to mum as late birthday present*
I need you guys to take my phone away from me. It’ll probably take a couple of you to do it. I’m a biter.
When I see a man with long fingernails, my first thought is wizard
My second thought is virgin wizard
Peeling onions is great because you get to cry about everything in front of your kids and blame supper.
Having never seen the ocean, visited a lake, or gone anywhere near the river, he could honestly say that he’d lived his life without egret.
Venmo is my favorite social media site. I love to see my boy Derek charge his wife for martinis
*narrows my eyes at you suspiciously*
*keeps narrowing them*
*closes them entirely*
[naps]
I miss dating
The excitement of meeting someone new, that feeling of butterflies when you see if you can climb out their bathroom window…
can’t believe they changed the Hollywood sign again
Me: a calm, methodical Navy SEAL when I clog my own toilet
Also me: a terrified, incapable, frozen idiot when I clog yours
coworker: I heard the cafeteria is serving sundaes today
me stickier than usual: can confirm
I’m not getting fatter. I’m increasing my content.
I’m smart. Just not remembers how to write a cursive Z, smart.
I have been lowering the tone for so long now that I am effectively operating solely in infrasound frequencies which can only be heard by whales.
And they are appalled.
I get you, container ship stuck in the Suez.
I can’t fit into most things I used to anymore, either.
They don’t tell you that it is perfectly legal to swim out into the ocean, grab whatever fish you can, & eat it on the way back
I’m scared some kid is going to break into my house and fleek me to death with a bae
If red meat has so much iron in it why don’t cows rust? And another thing
her: Say something nice to me.
me: Your friend is like, a ten.
DOCTOR: Mrs. Nice Guy? I’m so sorry, but I have some terrible news…
Waitress: any questions about the menu?
Me: why isn’t a burger a sandwich?
#milo
TREE: omg what happened to you
LOG: i was hacked
once i complete this philosophy degree it’s over for you Nietzsches
This year I’m the Invisible Man for Halloween, according to this bartender that apparently hasn’t seen me standing here for an hour
Scientists: we discovered a worm that eats plastic
Worm: wait we’re eating what
Bank Teller: Ma’am, this is a regular bank, not a blood bank. Please stop trying to give me your blood
Me: Oh this isn’t mine
I doubt my humanity the most when I’m trying to read those wavy, twisty scripts that are meant to verify you’re human.
I never feel like a bigger failure than when my dog re-scratches something I just scratched for her.