any doctors here? am I allowed to get a wax during my epidural? it’s genius and there’s a ton of time to kill anyhow
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Might fornicate around and use a thesaurus
Just found out that the old guy at the gym who laughs at all my jokes doesn’t actually speak English.
Today I came across a snake that seemed parched and tired, so I gently trickled some water from my water bottle on its snout for a few minutes and it quietly sipped. One of those nature moments that was nice but in retrospect makes me look like some sort of evil forest spirit
I always wear running shoes while driving because you won’t know what the terrain will be like until after the cop pulls you over.
Her: it’s been three weeks but the dog still hasn’t passed my wedding ring. I think we should just give up
Me: really? After all the shit we’ve been through?
therapist: whats the problem?
me: i keep having a reoccurring dream where there are five of me and we’re all yellow.
therapist: sounds like you’re bananas
How about daylight saves us for once
Be nice to your old friends. They have pictures of your hair from 1988.
Having a loose stool means two completely different things depending on if you are a nurse or a bartender.
me: *popping balloons*
kid: you’re mean
me: do YOU want to smuggle the heroin
Interviewer: It says here you have advanced math skills. How many times have you used them at work?
Me: *holds up fingers* This many.
[inventing trees]
Angel: what purpose do they serve?
God: cats climb em
Angel: can they climb back down?
God [inventing the fire dept]: nope
I can’t believe I live in a world where our only defense against a blizzard is buying extra milk.
Her: I have a marathon coming.
Me: Ooh, which show?
Sometimes I really want to throw paper at people. Brick shaped Paper. Made of brick.
Haven’t seen Paranormal Activity 4 yet so PLEASE don’t tell me which lamp falls over.
Me: *getting too close to smell a candle* This one smells like burnt hair. Weird choice.
People are always impressed to find out that I got my PhD at 17 but anything is possible if you work hard enough and lie.
My date spent all night telling me that she loved Bad Boys – Then seemed disappointed when we got back to mine and I put the DVD on.
Gay guys don’t listen to girls talk either, but we do have the good sense to say “I know, right?!” while we wait for our turn to talk.
*Weird bird sound in the distance*
4 year old: “what’s that ?”
Me who knows nothing about birds: “well that’s a juvenile red tailed warbler thing a majig calling out to its mom for a snack”
4: nods head knowingly with a head full of misinformation
Fact: If you blast hiphop at a shallot, it becomes a rapscallion.
When I hear teenagers talk I wonder why there’s not a high school class dedicated to learning the definition of the word “literally”
In grocery store & guy grabs my hand,starts to walk.I go with him, till he turns & realizes I’m not his wife.We broke it off…Single again
Dear parents of college students on Spring Break, Congrats!!! Many of you are about to be grandparents!!!
You, dumb: Can I ask you a question?
Me, brilliant linguist: That’s literally the only type of thing you can ask
honestly this was all i could see so i drew it
A sense of humor is key to a good marriage. For example, my husband makes fun of himself and I laugh and he laughs. I make fun of myself and I laugh and he laughs and I go dead silent.
How to make your house look like a trash can in one easy step:
1. Hand 3yo a muffin on your way to the bathroom.
I know this now.
I thought I felt a spider crawling on my neck.
Now I have to pretend I was breakdancing at this bank.