Any family visit eventually has the Agatha Christie detective moment where someone explains at length whose fault it is everyone has a cold.
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Homophobic parents are right to be worried about their children turning gay after lessons about LGBT awareness. I lived as a Tudor wench for 2 years following a history class.
*Asking the price for something way too expensive but also shy*
Me – Excuse me. How much is this?
Salesman – Ten thousand dollars.
Me – Oh…. I’ll take three.
*sets place on fire before paying*
Hot chick without makeup: her beauty is so effortless & carefree
Me without makeup: why is that very sick grandma not in a home
Don’t mistake my kindness, or my inability to do one (1) pull-up, for weakness.
My doctor had to put me on a new medication that’s supposed to help lower the amount of karate in my blood
Apparently trying to bribe a zookeeper to set up an animal Thunderdome situation will get you kicked out of the zoo.
Right now, Girl Scout moms are hungrily eyeing the cases of cookies filling their living rooms and wondering if their bank accounts can take the hit
Why does my mustard bottle insist on peeing in my sandwich before dispensing my mustard?
I’m hosting a mommy group next week and am thinking of buying a bunch of “how to parent a genius” type books to leave around the house.
St. Patrick’s Day is the day we all watch Ghost and Dirty Dancing in honor of Patrick Swayze.
i’m getting my wisdom teeth taken out on monday. i know most people get this procedure done when they’re like 16 but i think the move is waiting to do it when you’re 25 and depressed cause then you can appreciate the drugs a lot more
my disrespectful teen son somehow got hold of a gluten product and now he wants to become a cat girl
A hammock is really cool until you try to get out of it. I’m going to have to live here now. Goodnight.
Just pretended to not know what a Cheeto was to get an extra sample at Costco
Even before the lock down, yoga teachers were working from Om
Hashtag Mind Chakra Blown
Actual text from 17 y/o son:
kin u com bi nd swoop me?
I hope he means hit him with my car, because that’s the plan
I thought Game of Thrones was a show about bathrooms
I don’t understand wishing dead celebrities happy birthday. Shoutout to Mary Queen of Scots, who would be 577 today.
No Kevin, a carburetor is not someone who ate a lot of carbs.
Turns out when you’re a grown up, you CAN do anything you want, you just have to deal with the fallout…
*pizza dough plops on head*
I wonder if my dog gets embarrassed when I give him kisses in front of other dogs at the park.
Her: I haven’t had sex in so long, I miss it
Me: Well we could…
Her: Not that much.
It’s all fun and games until you accidentally stab a space monk
CNN: We’re not sure but we’ll report it anyway.
Guy: What do you do?
Me: I tell jokes on Twitter
G:No, I mean, what do you do to support yourself?
Me: I tell myself that they’re good jokes
This holiday season, do NOT buy a giant skeleton from home depot. Adopt one from your local cemetery
Halloween is great bc kids just show up at your door and hold out bags of candy for you to steal
doctor: are u sexually active
me: no i just sort of lay there
I accidentally left the cabinet above my fridge open and the kid spotted my secret jellybeans
ladies say I’m a hamster in the sheets because I squeal when I’m uncomfortable and I leave small pellets in the bed