@vanluvz1

Any fountain can be a Fountain of Youth if filled with champagne and you’ve had 5 glasses.

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@PharmerRPh

Of all the bands named after handicapped jungle animals, Def Leppard is my favorite.

@thatcarlygirl

New exercise regimen: I can only sit down when my toddler does. So far I’ve lost 17,000 pounds.

@Jake_Vig

Before I get out of an elevator, I hug every single person in there with me and whisper in their ear “You’ve taught me so much.”

@mstluvstrinkets

Got fast food so many times this week that when mcd’s asked me to pull out front to wait for my order, I was expecting an intervention.

@BrainFumbles

Cop: Know why I pulled u over?
Me: [slams fist on dash] NO, WHY?!
Cop: Settle down sir
Me: [marries, has kids, gives up ambitions]
Cop: …

@NoFlipFlops

Whoa. The house telephone thingy just rang. Couldn’t remember what to do so I stopped, dropped and rolled.

@TheLincoln

For sale: baby shoes. Never worn. Nothing sinister! Wrong size. Should’ve measured. First baby. Very excited!!

@WickedDarkEyes

I hate it when I mean to buy seedless grapes but instead I accidentally get…well you know…
Oreos.

@K_Chapacabra

Call me faithless, but I just can’t believe three guys would travel that far on camels to throw a baby shower.

@tiemoose

[Dracula giving his son “the talk”]

Dracula: you see when two monsters love each other very much, they-

Dracula’s son: they do the mash

Dracula: *nodding* they do the monster mash