Of all the bands named after handicapped jungle animals, Def Leppard is my favorite.
Any fountain can be a Fountain of Youth if filled with champagne and you’ve had 5 glasses.
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New exercise regimen: I can only sit down when my toddler does. So far I’ve lost 17,000 pounds.
Before I get out of an elevator, I hug every single person in there with me and whisper in their ear “You’ve taught me so much.”
Got fast food so many times this week that when mcd’s asked me to pull out front to wait for my order, I was expecting an intervention.
Cop: Know why I pulled u over?
Me: [slams fist on dash] NO, WHY?!
Cop: Settle down sir
Me: [marries, has kids, gives up ambitions]
Whoa. The house telephone thingy just rang. Couldn’t remember what to do so I stopped, dropped and rolled.
For sale: baby shoes. Never worn. Nothing sinister! Wrong size. Should’ve measured. First baby. Very excited!!
I hate it when I mean to buy seedless grapes but instead I accidentally get…well you know…
Call me faithless, but I just can’t believe three guys would travel that far on camels to throw a baby shower.
[Dracula giving his son “the talk”]
Dracula: you see when two monsters love each other very much, they-
Dracula’s son: they do the mash
Dracula: *nodding* they do the monster mash