I’ve verified my own account.
It’s utter crap ✔
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Check on your friends stuck in quarantine with kids that never stop talking.
We are NOT ok.
we call em houseplants like thats where they belong but its just where we put em thats like if u threw me in the sewer & called me sewer boy
Why do we call it losing weight instead of lightening up?
I refuse to order in Starbucks lingo. I just order small or medium, and watch everyone hyperventilate.
I don’t really hate you, it’s just that if you were on fire, I’d roast marshmallows..
“Whatever! You’re naked ALL the time!”
-Me, to my staring cats every time I get out of the shower.
Excited for the return of Game of Thrones.
Not excited for the return of the phrase, “If you’d read the books, you’d know that…”
*Do not consume if seal is broken*
I’ve just gone through this whole box of animal crackers and haven’t found one seal.
Yeah but the way I see it is, I have the rest of my life to exercise but this 350 pack of Oreos from Costco expires in December of 2017.
Kept nodding off at an estate auction and bought a garden gnome for 3 million dollars.
[my wife to everyone at the pool party] pls don’t tell him, he’s never known the truth
[me loudly as I jump off the diving board] CABIN BALL
*approaches pond*
*water recedes*
*turns away*
*water returns*
What the ??
*approaches pond*
*water recedes*
Oh, I see. This is a coy pond.
If you think Jason Momoa has dad bod, please give me your dad’s phone number.
Someone being big spoon for me is not enough. I need to get ladled.
My 1-year-old is learning to give a high-five, but she’s unclear on where her hand should land. She basically just slaps people in the face.
[therapy]
me: I’m really trying to change
therapist: that’s great
me: I want to be become a different person
therapist: how
me: *squeezes eyes closed* telekinesis
therapist: no
*Gets on plane*
*Takes out earbuds*
*Untangles earbuds*
*Plane lands*
[After 2 glasses of chocolate milk] Toys are so awesome. And bedtime isn’t even real
[5 glasses of chocolate milk] I’ll probably never get cooties…
[8 glasses of chocolate milk] I Can Do Any Subtraction Problem
Imagine a baby named Edith. Exactly, you can’t because everyone named Edith quietly emerged from the woods at age 78 knitting an incredibly complicated afghan.
As a kid I was forced to deal with the feelings when my dad went to the store for cigarettes and came back every time.
If nothing else, the iOS7 update has proved it’s usefulness by automatically adding the little accent mark to the word jalapeño for me.
gym bro: “dude are you using disney+ to watch rapunzel’s tangled adventure in between sets?”
me:
My teen daughter wants me to “hurry up” getting ready to go somewhere and ain’t this some karma
Mom: Help! Is anyone here a doctor?
Vet: I treat horses but maybe i can help
M: My son broke his leg!
V: Ok hang on. My rifle’s in the truck
Ovenable?
#WarAgainstPorn because they’re having sex and we’re not. No porn for anyone until everyone’s having sex, ok?
Dear women,
3 reasons why you need to accept we men are mature.
No 1. We know what upsets you.
No 2.
Hahahahahaha… I said “number 2”
they said marry your best friend but then got all weird when I proposed to my dog pick a lane
File under excellent bookstore names.
Toy Story (1995): A young boy’s toy chest becomes possessed by haunted dolls, forcing the family to move away. But the dolls find him.