@Browtweaten
mom: everyone has to learn to swim
kid: even jesus?
mom: of course
jesus: *sliding across the pool in heelys* lying’s a sin, brenda
@Contwixt
Any ghost sophisticated enough to haunt a hotel is going to find the 13th floor whether you have an elevator button for it or not.
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@Browtweaten
@MyMomologue
A step-by-step guide on how to not finish anything.
Step One: Have kids.
@unravelingfire
Is it weird to think about mac and cheese during sex?
Ma’am, I just tear the movie tickets. But yes, it’s weird.
@therealeatwood
DATE: I chose this restaurant for the ambience.
ME: Ah, very good. [to waiter] A bottle of your finest Ambiens, please.
@DrakeGatsby
“boys are only interested in one thing” yes and that thing is artisanal olive oils
@Dawn_M_
If I were a werewolf I wouldn’t have to chain myself up at night because I don’t like going out anyway.
@wickedimproper
Afghanistan is just a regular ghanistan that’s ghanistan af.
@blairgarner
To apply for a job at Hooters do they hand you a bra and say, “Here, just fill this out.” ?
@iwearaonesie
How people watch movies when they’re:
DATING *hold hands*
ENGAGED *cuddle*
MARRIED *one person turns the volume up while I choke on a piece of popcorn*
@TheToddWilliams
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over.
BLANKET: You were cold?