@Contwixt

Any ghost sophisticated enough to haunt a hotel is going to find the 13th floor whether you have an elevator button for it or not.

You Might Also Like

@Browtweaten

mom: everyone has to learn to swim

kid: even jesus?

mom: of course

jesus: *sliding across the pool in heelys* lying’s a sin, brenda

@MyMomologue

A step-by-step guide on how to not finish anything.

Step One: Have kids.

@unravelingfire

Is it weird to think about mac and cheese during sex?

Ma’am, I just tear the movie tickets. But yes, it’s weird.

@therealeatwood

DATE: I chose this restaurant for the ambience.

ME: Ah, very good. [to waiter] A bottle of your finest Ambiens, please.

@DrakeGatsby

“boys are only interested in one thing” yes and that thing is artisanal olive oils

@Dawn_M_

If I were a werewolf I wouldn’t have to chain myself up at night because I don’t like going out anyway.

@blairgarner

To apply for a job at Hooters do they hand you a bra and say, “Here, just fill this out.” ?

@iwearaonesie

How people watch movies when they’re:

DATING *hold hands*
ENGAGED *cuddle*
MARRIED *one person turns the volume up while I choke on a piece of popcorn*