Any ghost sophisticated enough to haunt a hotel is going to find the 13th floor whether you have an elevator button for it or not.

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kid: even jesus?

mom: of course

jesus: *sliding across the pool in heelys* lying’s a sin, brenda


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Step One: Have kids.


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Ma’am, I just tear the movie tickets. But yes, it’s weird.


DATE: I chose this restaurant for the ambience.

ME: Ah, very good. [to waiter] A bottle of your finest Ambiens, please.


“boys are only interested in one thing” yes and that thing is artisanal olive oils


If I were a werewolf I wouldn’t have to chain myself up at night because I don’t like going out anyway.


To apply for a job at Hooters do they hand you a bra and say, “Here, just fill this out.” ?


How people watch movies when they’re:

DATING *hold hands*
ENGAGED *cuddle*
MARRIED *one person turns the volume up while I choke on a piece of popcorn*