Any ghost sophisticated enough to haunt a hotel is going to find the 13th floor whether you have an elevator button for it or not.
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Me: I’m an expert at identifying birds.
Them: Ok, What about those ones flying over that tree?
Me: *narrows eyes and looks intently over the trees* Yes, they’re all birds.
The main difference between my dog and my kid is my dog responds to her name being called
It’s a good thing I’m not Batman, because there’s NO WAY I would keep that shit secret.
“Traaains”
– traveling zombies
A Doctor’s Guide on Pain Management: “What’s your pain level on a scale of 1-10?”
1 – “Why are you here?”
2
3
4 – “That’s not that bad, you can manage.”
5
6
7 – “You’re exaggerating.”
8
9
10 – “You’re lying.”
if a bee sting u, u get a lil pain but the bee dies so who really wins? “lol im OWNING all these bees” i say as i put my face in the beehive
Let’s just say she wasn’t impressed when I picked her up in my go-kart.
My mom’s favorite part of my birthday is describing my birth in detail to an 18 year old waitress who is just there to get our drink order.
Kids always throw their shoes as far apart as possible when they take them off, like you’ll find one on their bedroom floor and one on top of the fridge, it’s madness
Comparing yourself to others
searching for people who think cologne is spelled colon is my favorite thing to do
I refuse to stay at a Holiday Inn until they publicly specify what holiday they are referring to.
Jesus: man shall not live by bread alone
Me: *mouthful of cheese* halleluryurrr
Him: I eat healthily
Me who has just learned the word ditto and can’t wait to use it: say something else
Two Ways Sharks Can Die:
1. if they stop swimming
2. if they start swimming (into my fists)
welcome to your 40s, the first song you ever made out to is being used to promote mutual funds
I am a man with convictions.
Mostly because I have a really terrible lawyer.
I just tripped and stumbled into a group of asian kids on the street and accidentally won a breakdancing competition.
It’s been a horrible day. This morning my ex got ran over by a fed ex truck. Then I lost my job at fed ex.
PHILOSOPHY MAJOR: humanity is at risk
STEM MAJOR: because global warming is affecting sea levels
ENGLISH MAJOR: is it affecting or effecting
The best way to surprise your girlfriend with flowers is by not giving them to her when your wife’s there.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
Of course morning sex is better.
You haven’t spent the day annoying the crap out of each other yet.
If you think I’m annoying, give it some time. You’ll know for sure pretty soon.
*playing a California Raisins record for a friend* Pretty good right? These are raisins playing all the instruments
If you asked me to bring a dish to your party,
just know that I snacked on it the whole way to your house.
As soon as I figure out what an unto is, I’ll consider doing it to others.
If u wanna be happy the rest of ur life
Never make a prairie falcon ur wife
They need a moderate altitude
To catch burrowing owls for food
My 5yo can’t remember to take off his shirt before showering but he remembered that a month ago I said we’d go to the water park on Saturday
As a dad to two toddlers the majority of my diet is various berries I find on the ground. I’m basically a deer.
Genie: *rubbing temples* you could have just asked for $300 in one wish