@kumailn: Doctor Who. He can travel to any planet during any period but mostly ends up in places that look like present day England.

@BradBroaddus: Grandpa: "My joints are stiff." Me: "Don't roll them so tight."

@PaperWash: Giving someone a Dunkin Donuts gift certificate for their birthday is the perfect way to say "I love you" and "I hate you" at the same time

@WilliamAder: I stopped carrying my phone in my shirt pocket, because every time it vibrated my first thought was: Heart attack!

@CrazyUncIeJoe: How girls put on their pants: *Left leg*, *Right leg*, '' Wiggle*, *Wiggle*, *twerk*, *Jump*, *Jump*, *Squat*, *Stretch* Done.