@1MeLrO

Any girl can give you pics

I can give you a headache

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a:2:{i:0;a:5:{s:4:”user”;s:13:”NurseMurderer”;s:5:”image”;s:90:”http://a0.twimg.com/profile_images/3044853347/69f7663f88d6947ff943382bbdf849b0_bigger.jpeg”;s:6:”id_str”;s:18:”350420592463319042″;s:7:”retweet”;s:2:”30″;s:5:”tweet”;s:22:”You can’t rush stupid.”;}s:7:”retweet”;i:0;}

@SugarMagicSpice

‘If cicadas are allowed to sit in the goddamned trees and scream then so should I.’

@GrantTanaka

1. gather ’round, young-uns, whiles I tellya bout how yer momma & I met, and also practice this genteel old-timey accent

@ArfMeasures

WIFE [in labour] GOD MAKE IT STOP

MIDWIFE: The baby’s

WIFE: NO, THE NOISE

ME [stops playing pan pipes] Is the nurse being too loud, love?

@xxsomebunnyxx

“I put on panties cause there was a spider on the deck and I don’t know where it went.” and other morning texts.

@LiamDrydenEtc

“Millennials are so entitled!”
Aye well I don’t see 20-somethings screaming for the manager because their coupon expired a month ago, Janet

@jellybnbonanza

After searching every level of the parking deck, I’ve come to the conclusion that I will never remember where I parked my car, so looks like I’m gonna just have to buy another one and call it a day.

@Jerrypleasure

Newspaper: A 6yo saved someone’s life.

*flashback to me finding a discount coupon on road*

ME: I also have big news.