If you have ever spent an hour on Twitter then you understand why there’s such an urgency to create Artificial Intelligence.
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I’ve been teaching my daughter to sneak candy into the theater, like any good parent would, but when she pulled a pack of deli ham out of her bag I realized I’ve created a monster
*first day as a lawyer*
Bailiff: All rise for the judge.
Me: *too lazy* Objection.
Police looking for a man who stabbed six people with knitting needles.
He seems to be following some sort of pattern.
The Godfather: keep your friends close, but your enemies closer
Mrs The Godfather: WHAT
My husband came home with pizza sauce on his collar and no pizza and now I know what it’s like to be cheated on.
Normalize ordering a straw with your soup
[on a first date]
Me: So do you like puppies?
Her: Oh I love them
Me: Ok, so we’ll both have the puppies
Waiter: Excellent choice, sir
[repeating myself louder in the haunted house attraction] did the dracula throw water on anyone else’s pants??
Me: don’t ever speak like that to me again
Alarm clock: *continues to beep*
If by “junk in the trunk” you mean the untouched gym bag I store there, then yes, I most certainly have junk in my trunk.
The hardest part of life in the 1990s was having to scream “Hey, Macarena!” every forty seconds for the entire decade.
I wasted my best smelling years on people who didn’t deserve me.
I knew my ex gf was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching
[first 2 hours of meeting]
Coworker:
[last 2 minutes of meeting]
Coworker: I just have a quick 6 part question involving a complicated and controversial problem that was almost nearly resolved also this isn’t time sensitive at all but I’d still like an answer right now thanks
[wife who bought regular paper towels instead of the select a size paper towels] what’s wrong? [me trying to clean a small to medium sized spill] nothing
No time to explain, I need 300 copies of this cat!
*throws cat at Kinko’s employee
If you keep laughing then you’ll always have the last laugh.
Guys; if she stops responding to your messages for days, 100% of the time it’s a technical problem. Keep trying.
“Our relationship is nice because we can sit silently and still have fun.” – cool thing to say to the person in bathroom stall next to you.
It’s not embarrassing falling down the stairs as long as you shout ‘parkour!’ after
Check on your friends stuck in quarantine with kids that never stop talking.
We are NOT ok.
The horn quit working in my truck, so I’m hanging out of the window revving this chainsaw at pedestrians.
Found out my sіster ate my leftovers whіle І was at work, now І’m starіng out the wіndow lіke І’m іn a sad early 2000’s musіc vіdeo.
I haven’t read a single History book that explains how Asians got out of their Pokeballs.
[texting]
Her: We need to talk. (9:00 am)
Him: About? (9:01 am)
Him: What? (9:02 am)
Him: WHAT??? (9:03 am)
Her: Dinner tonight. (4:42 pm)
I knew this day would come. It’s on my calendar
What’s the name of that movie with that actor in which the guy does that thing with that other thing in that place during that time?
My son gave me the ultimate Mother’s Day gift: he just brought out all of the cups & dishes from his room & filled the kitchen sink.
I’m so blessed.
Couch Potato: Do you think I’m fat?
Sweet Potato: I think you’re beautiful.
Baked Potato: Why do we have eyes that can’t see?