@LeanneMacco

Any governments / terrorist groups looking to rule by fear should get some tips from spiders.

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@majoleaguetweet

Life is like a box of chocolates,
The good ones are always gone before I get there!

@Thunder_Fart

Did you know that when you meet an Indian you can CHOOSE not to mention slumdog millionaire?

@mattgallo123

At this point I feel like MTV is just trying to scare old people.

@badbanana

Let’s begin by pushing a Nickleback album onto every ISIS phone.

@TweetsByTheTony

El Chapo is a murderous Mexican drug lord. El Chapo Supreme is a murderous Mexican drug lord with sour cream, lettuce and tomato.

@MrsTomServo

Sorry I got confused & grabbed your fist bump like a doorknob.

@suecorvette

me: can we go to the steakhouse?

him: stop calling the barn that. you’re making the cows nervous

@living_marble

No one in movies or TV shows ever properly freak out when they see someone eat sauce off a wooden spoon then put the spoon that they just licked back in the sauce.