My skin is so dry that I can’t tell if it’s kidding.
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What if Tony soprano was holding a cat like The Godfather but the cat is Garfield
Me: Son, how many times have I told you to stop playing with dolls?
Son: I’m trying to teach CPR. Please get out.
Which herbal tea goes best with heroin?
*weird horror movie sounds*
me: it’s okay, it was just the cat
cat: ah hell nah
me: what?
demon: meow?
this is uni
I took my 5 year old to the office on Take Your Kid to Work Day.
As we were walking around, she started crying & getting very cranky, so I asked her what was wrong.
As my coworkers gathered round, she sobbed, ‘mommy, where are all the clowns that you said you worked with??
Me trying to “trust the process”
Someone asked me to go for a walk and all I can think of is why does my dog get so excited when I ask him if he wants to go for walk?
Parents should get hazard pay for sleeping in the same bed with a toddler
Boomers: we don’t share our feelings.
Millennials: we share all of our feelings.
Gen X: feelings?
Don’t tell me you’re into the Halloween spirit unless you go into a haunted house willing to die.
God: *twisting an owl* I can’t get this damn jar open
the last thing a carrot sees
my daughter responded to my two paragraph text message with a thumbs up. Parenting books don’t explain how to deal with this level of disrespect
This is what it sounds like when cats cry
– The inventor of bagpipes
*phone rings*
Wife – “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”
Me – *strips naked and does running man*
Wife – “….”
I hate grocery shopping. That’s why I just steal a full cart when somebody turns away. I never know what I’m getting, but it sure is faster.
It might sound childish, but when my wife pisses me off, I dry my hands on the towels that “are just for decoration”
My family gather round while the lawyer quietly reads my will. He hands out 1 hot dog each and when they finish eating he asks them to leave
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of relaxing during weeknights we can go to seven practices and relearn algebra.
Have you found them?
“Not yet, sir.”
THEY’RE MUTANT TURTLES THAT DO KARATE. HOW HARD COULD IT BE?
“They wear tiny masks, sir.”
I cleaned the outside of our stainless steel refrigerator, and now we can never touch it again.
People keep telling me I behave like a man so I’m currently working up the courage to tell my husband he’s gay.
Tim Cook announces iPhone charger cord to be long enough to reach a socket, Apple stock price quadruples.
My toddler has lost the eyes from her Mr Potato head toy and I’m pretty sure it was on purpose so he can’t see how shit 2020 is
4: Mommy, where do babies come from?
Me: Well, sweetie, when two people tolerate each other very much…
I refuse to pay all that money for CrossFit. If I want a man to scream at me in a garage, I can visit my dad
I just opened a marketing email from Fitness magazine and my computer died laughing.
Mario:
– Only went outside because of a kidnapping.
– Kept to social-distancing whenever possible
– If something got too close, jumped from a safe distance and landed on its head.
– ate mushrooms to survive this surreal hellscapeBe like Mario.
Boss: Can I have a word?
Me: Color
Boss: No, I want a word with YOU
Me: Colour