@AndyAsAdjective

“any ideas?”

let’s tie a bunch of helium balloons together & then hold onto the strings

“whoa whoa whoa, let’s not get carried away”

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@TheMichaelRock

Me: he’s cute, how old is he?

Guy: 25 months

Me: first kid?

Guy: yeah, how’d you know?

Me: because you didn’t say “he’s 2”

@Darlainky

I found a flea on my dog and sprayed him down with a homemade vinegar solution and now I know what pickled dog smells like.

@jonnysun

i sent all my sims to universitey & they all became computer scientists & proved they were living in a simulation so i unpluged my computor

@TheHyyyype

[on the playground]

mom: go play with that little boy honey, he’s got a race car

3-year-old shania twain: mommy that don’t impwessa me much

@GuyBreakup

Me: You know what I don’t get?

Friend: Laid.

Me:

Friend:

Me: You know what else I don’t get?

@chuuew

ME: Please! Don’t! I have a family!

ASSASSIN: Who do you think sent me?

@E_lok44

I shaved my legs today and drew the hair back on. I don’t get it, eyebrow ladies, I don’t get it.

@scottgal

Finally; someone explained Bitcoin in a way I can understand

@huntigula

Guy: Why does everyone call you “Gross Gary”?

Gary: [filling a canteen with hotdog water] Nobody calls me that.