Me: he’s cute, how old is he?
Guy: 25 months
Me: first kid?
Guy: yeah, how’d you know?
Me: because you didn’t say “he’s 2”
let’s tie a bunch of helium balloons together & then hold onto the strings
“whoa whoa whoa, let’s not get carried away”
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I found a flea on my dog and sprayed him down with a homemade vinegar solution and now I know what pickled dog smells like.
i sent all my sims to universitey & they all became computer scientists & proved they were living in a simulation so i unpluged my computor
[on the playground]
mom: go play with that little boy honey, he’s got a race car
3-year-old shania twain: mommy that don’t impwessa me much
Me: You know what I don’t get?
Me: You know what else I don’t get?
ME: Please! Don’t! I have a family!
ASSASSIN: Who do you think sent me?
7yr old: What’s 10+10+10+25+25+5+1+1?
I shaved my legs today and drew the hair back on. I don’t get it, eyebrow ladies, I don’t get it.
Finally; someone explained Bitcoin in a way I can understand
Guy: Why does everyone call you “Gross Gary”?
Gary: [filling a canteen with hotdog water] Nobody calls me that.