Any jeans can be skinny jeans if you eat enough doughnuts.

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Do lady dolphins ever get tattoos of 19-yr-old community college students?


piñata: harder daddy

me: [lifts blindfold] what

piñata: let me wear the blindfold


Just stepped on the scale. Now I have to replace a broken window and add $467 to the curse word jar.


This cashier just held my five dollar bill up to the light in case you’re wondering how I do with first impressions.



1. Wow. I can dance.
2. All hats look GOOD on me.
3. Shhh. Don’t wake up the cows.


welcome to my podcast What Are Birds Thinking About where we speculate wildly about what birds might be thinking about today’s guest is once again not a bird


Ad: You like to save money, right?

Me (thinking): dear god, they’ve read my diary


I set up a camera in my room like in paranormal activity but it’s just 8 hours of me waving & walking down imaginary stairs behind my bed.


Even the great philosophers made mistakes. Aristotle, for example, believed that groove was in the brain.