dad was helping me with my finances and used a moldy orange to represent my credit score 😕
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Tyler on Facebook says he ran 1.7 miles this morning… So based on calculations, I have 35 minutes to ransack his house tomorrow morning.
Troll: Horrible thing.
Me: Horrible thing back.
Troll: I was just giving my honest opinion.
Me: Me too.
Troll: But…
PHIL COLLINS: Here tonight is the man who inspired my next song, “Fat Shithead Clogged My Toilet.”
[spotlight tracks me as I head for Exit]
My eyebrows look like two caterpillars in a heated argument.
{Me as a police trainee}
COP: So whoever killed him—
ME: Or WHATever kil—
COP: Nope. No. That’s not a real thing. WHOever killed him… did it with something sharp.
ME:
COP:
ME: *Quietly to myself* Or someONE sharp.
Not helping
Hostage: *screaming*
Mafia boss: hurry up and tape his mouth!
Me: *still trying to find the end of the tape on the roll*
Husband: *leaves to run an errand*
Me: *crosses out “get husband to leave” off to-do list*
Adopt your boss.
They can’t tell you what to do if they’re grounded.
her: I’m a cat person
me: I’m more of a dog pers-
her: [starts licking hind leg]
me: oooOoo k
Her: I’m having a dry party.
Me: Sorry, I’m busy.
Her: You don’t even know when.
Me: You don’t even know me.
[fancy restaurant]
me: one steak and a bowl of ketchup please
waiter: usually you don’t need anything with it, sir
me: you’re right [closing menu] just the ketchup then
Me: I’m full of lust but I can’t perform in bed
Doctor: Do you struggle with the booze?
Me *looks at wife* the booing is bad but the slow clapping is just sarcastic
Pi Day is just a fake holiday created by math companies to sell more math.
You don’t have to make the same mistakes your parents made. An ambitious person makes new mistakes.
[getting pulled over]
Me: R u a bear cop?
Bear cop: Is that a problem?
Me: As long as you’re not a maul cop
*mauls me for bad pun*
Me: [covered in chocolate, miniaturized, turning into a blueberry, stumbling out of an incinerator, and floating away] I’ll take the job
Willy Wonka:
You’re not allowed to be an eyewitness on the news unless you’re the most confused person at the scene.
Will smith literally runs in every movie. Name one movie he didn’t run in. I’ll wait
HER: *Crying* Then after the car accident my dog died, and—
ME: Hey, hey… *puts hand on her shoulder* This is a bad story. You’re telling a bad story.
[mom and pop shop]
Me: *sniffling* one mom please
no one still wants to fight me after I gently remove my earrings and swallow them
Apparently in order for exercise to be effective you have to keep doing it. Seems like a scam to me.
My parents kept me humble by having 6 kids and regularly forgetting my name
If you go to an animal shelter and ask for a cat, they get really upset if you play them like a guitar and scream ROCK YOU LIKE A FURRICANE.
UBER: Sounds better than “Let’s get in this strange man’s car!”
*checks rear view mirror for the cop car I drove past 15 minutes ago*
“YOU WANNA TAKE THIS OUTSIDE!?” I yell to my husband as I hand him the trash.
My daughter just started a question with: So mom, you’ve been old for a really long time…
I don’t know what the rest of the question was, I stopped listening after “long time”
Don’t even wrap my subway sandwich up, I’m wearing it out of the store.