@CulturedRuffian
@BoweKnows
Do lady dolphins ever get tattoos of 19-yr-old community college students?
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@BoweKnows
@Shen_the_Bird
piñata: harder daddy
me: [lifts blindfold] what
piñata: let me wear the blindfold
@Dishy2101
Just stepped on the scale. Now I have to replace a broken window and add $467 to the curse word jar.
@mattgallo123
This cashier just held my five dollar bill up to the light in case you’re wondering how I do with first impressions.
@MotherJonestown
STAGES OF DRUNK:
1. Wow. I can dance.
2. All hats look GOOD on me.
3. Shhh. Don’t wake up the cows.
@pant_leg
welcome to my podcast What Are Birds Thinking About where we speculate wildly about what birds might be thinking about today’s guest is once again not a bird
@ShortSleeveSuit
HER: NNNNNNNN
ME: [gently rolling her onto her side]
HER: ZZZZZZZZ
@SortaBad
Ad: You like to save money, right?
Me (thinking): dear god, they’ve read my diary
@moist_jeff
I set up a camera in my room like in paranormal activity but it’s just 8 hours of me waving & walking down imaginary stairs behind my bed.
@Cpin42
Even the great philosophers made mistakes. Aristotle, for example, believed that groove was in the brain.