@CulturedRuffian

Any jeans can be skinny jeans if you eat enough doughnuts.

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@BoweKnows

Do lady dolphins ever get tattoos of 19-yr-old community college students?

@Shen_the_Bird

piñata: harder daddy

me: [lifts blindfold] what

piñata: let me wear the blindfold

@Dishy2101

Just stepped on the scale. Now I have to replace a broken window and add $467 to the curse word jar.

@mattgallo123

This cashier just held my five dollar bill up to the light in case you’re wondering how I do with first impressions.

@MotherJonestown

STAGES OF DRUNK:

1. Wow. I can dance.
2. All hats look GOOD on me.
3. Shhh. Don’t wake up the cows.

@pant_leg

welcome to my podcast What Are Birds Thinking About where we speculate wildly about what birds might be thinking about today’s guest is once again not a bird

@SortaBad

Ad: You like to save money, right?

Me (thinking): dear god, they’ve read my diary

@moist_jeff

I set up a camera in my room like in paranormal activity but it’s just 8 hours of me waving & walking down imaginary stairs behind my bed.

@Cpin42

Even the great philosophers made mistakes. Aristotle, for example, believed that groove was in the brain.