Welcome to Yoga class. You’ll slowly ease into half splits, and then you’ll remain there for the rest of your life.
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[blind date]
Him: “I’m a big Beethoven fan.”
ME *trying to impress him*
“Saint Bernards are my favorite dog breed.”
My girlfriend broke up with me. I am devastated. How could you. I did everything. I surprised you with burgers every night
Sitting in my car eating McD’s, and I hear a quiet voice behind me go:
“Here, we have The Fat Woman in her natural habitat..”
ME: did I remember to take my antidepressants this morning?
BRAIN: does it matter? Does anything matter? Aren’t we all just insignificant threads in the tapestry of life
ME: …so that’s a no
The only reason I’d want to go to heaven is to speak to the manager.
Still thinking about a student I had years ago who asked if a paper was due at 4pm or 4am
Be the reason your therapist reevaluates their entire career.
Don’t talk to me about hardship. You guys will never have to refold a road map.
me: you wanna hot line bling?
date: what?
me: *sweating nervously* Netflix and chill?
date: excuse me
me: *looking at notecards* BAE?!
GUY WHO INVENTED JACK-O-LANTERNS: I bet this gourd would be cooler if it looked like it wanted to murder me.
I’m the type of person who thinks he lost his keys while driving his car
ME: can i open a joint account
BANKER: ok with who
ME: anyone rich
Amazon Review Guide
⭐☆☆☆☆ – I’m angry and taking my slight inconvenience out on you
⭐⭐☆☆☆ – Your product is crap
⭐⭐⭐☆☆ – Average
⭐⭐⭐⭐☆ – Great product!
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐ – Average but I feel bad leaving a lower rating
This is why I avoid Dollar Tree crayons…
A small tragedy.
Only a fool would use the toothbrush the dentist gives you. You think the dentist would freely hand you the tools that would keep them away?
Ancient people: turned grapes into wine, agave into tequila, and sugar cane into rum.
Modern people: turn soy, rice, or almonds into milk.
When my 7yo was 5 she found a cape in my drawer. I told her I was a superhero and to keep it a secret. At random she would whisper “I know your secret” and it would freak me out, how much does this kid know!? Then I would remember the cape incident.
Well, don’t ever let your pc feel that you’re in a hurry cos they’re gonna slow down more 😩
About to go for a run, because shoplifting
Ex: Do you ever think of someone else when we have sex?
Me: No, it’s always George Clooney.
People think that as your kids get older you have more freedom but if that were true I wouldn’t be standing in the kitchen eating this chocolate bar out of an empty banana peel
First rule of having a pet is to say everything twice. The second time in a sillier voice than the first.
[bank]
I’d like to pay this into my account
[empties pockets full of cat teeth]
OMG I’m so sorry [takes card back] that’s the wrong account
Doctor: you need to include more fruits and vegetables in your diet
Me: I hear the words but they’re not making any sense
Always a bridesmaid, never the Brideslord, summoning the nation’s brides to war with a mighty blast of the brideshorn.
so proud of america. only 8 years after electing first black pres, we’re considering electing our first orange one
friend: what’s the difference between ignorance and indifference?
me: I don’t know and I don’t care
The police want me to wear a wire; albeit a thick handcuff-shaped wire.
The bad news: climate change threatens 1 in every 4 species with extinction.
The good news: you’re one of them.