any man with a ponytail is never more than 15ft away from a katana at any given time

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INTERVIEWER: under Strengths you’ve written ‘dishonesty’…?

ME: No I haven’t


Texting is a brilliant way to miscommunicate how you feel, and misinterpret what other people mean.


I’m sorry, I live in the U.S. so I don’t really get the metric system. How much exactly is “in moderation”?


I had to buy our dog flowers because I accidentally called him our old dog’s name.


Life is a letter soup that has too many consonants and not enough vowels and all you can spell is borscht


guard your heart, cater to no man’s ego, honor your own time and your energy, don’t use uber. happy 2015.


Just once I’d like a number between 1 and 10 to think of me.


honestly if it were raining men I would not hallelujah


Me: One of you… is the murderer

Everyone: *starts sweating*

Me: (unable to tell who’s guilty) a sauna was a bad place to hold this meeting


Agreeing to pick a friend up from the airport is nice until that time comes and you start thinking about if you really even need that person in your life anymore.