@EJGomez

any man with a ponytail is never more than 15ft away from a katana at any given time

You Might Also Like

@CaptPinkbeard

INTERVIEWER: under Strengths you’ve written ‘dishonesty’…?

ME: No I haven’t

@stanleybehrman

Texting is a brilliant way to miscommunicate how you feel, and misinterpret what other people mean.

@SamuelHLowe

I’m sorry, I live in the U.S. so I don’t really get the metric system. How much exactly is “in moderation”?

@Social_Mime

I had to buy our dog flowers because I accidentally called him our old dog’s name.

@julcasagrande

Life is a letter soup that has too many consonants and not enough vowels and all you can spell is borscht

@keplyq

guard your heart, cater to no man’s ego, honor your own time and your energy, don’t use uber. happy 2015.

@DeadLioness

Just once I’d like a number between 1 and 10 to think of me.

@caithuls

honestly if it were raining men I would not hallelujah

@isabelzawtun

Me: One of you… is the murderer

Everyone: *starts sweating*

Me: (unable to tell who’s guilty) a sauna was a bad place to hold this meeting

@primawesome

Agreeing to pick a friend up from the airport is nice until that time comes and you start thinking about if you really even need that person in your life anymore.