any man with a ponytail is never more than 15ft away from a katana at any given time
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Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Girl: I’m an alcoholic
Me: Ok, but I can only afford one.
My flabber has been gasted.
If you force me to choose sides, I’d choose mashed potatoes.
What if all those PhDs stop just defending and actually start attacking?!?
Give a man a fish and chances are you won’t be asked to be in charge of buying a gift “from all of us” anymore.
A good way to get out of a conversation is to take off one of your socks and hand it to the person talking.
every day i feed my cats the exact same thing and every day they look at me like i got their order wrong
Life with a cat in one tweet
I thought I had a Twitter Crush but his wife thought otherwise
After spicing things up in the bedroom, don’t rub your eyes for at least 30 minutes.
6 year olds be like my best friend is Kevin and Charlie and Emma and Amy and Zach, lol stfu and go learn about superlatives, Tommy.
Real friends send everyone different addresses for your intervention.
Got a plant that apparently likes a “partially shady area” so I’m planting it in an Italian restaurant in New York
I may be fat now, but you’re stupid forever.
If someone walks in on you hatching your evil plan, just tell them you were rubbing in some hand moisturizer.
Avoid getting crumbs in your bed by eating in your kid’s bed.
The Innuendo Society has reported a huge rise in its members
My can opener broke so now it’s a can’t opener.
Priest: Body of Christ..
Gordon Ramsay: Dry.
Tomorrow I’m definitely going to start running, no matter how many days it takes!
scotsman: are yeh thinkin what i’m thinkin?
other scotsman: jab a few pipes in a sheep stomach and play the same note for three hours?
scotsman: aye, laddie, jab a few pipes in a sheep stomach and play the same note for three hours
[assembling baby’s cot]
Wife: take that bit off
Me [reluctantly removing the machine gun turret]: so anyone can just walk in here then
I’ve hired a circus clown for my funeral.
Not for any of that celebrate my life bullshit, just to sit silently at the back to freak my family out.
People who talk to themselves are more intelligent then those who don’t, or at least that’s what I like to tell myself.
People who call it duck tape must be smoking quack.
Today’s Forecast: Room Temperature
Tomorrow’s Forecast: Room Temperature
Long-Term Forecast: Room Temperature
when its election nite and you get wasabi in your eye
Ugh but profoundly
[marriage counselling]
Her: he always thinks he’s talking to me on CB radio
Me: I don’t, over
Her: It’s over
Me: It’s what? Over
It’s not the destination that matters. It’s the snacks you eat on the way.