[any medication commercial]
good news, we have something that will likely make things worse for you
You Might Also Like
My son is taking a bartending class at college so I think I’m finally going to start seeing a return on my investment.
Doctor: Any cancer in the family?
Me: My mom is a Sagittarius, but I’ll have to check on everyone else.
Doc: …
Me: I know every word of the Golden Girls theme song!
Job interviewer:…and a weakness?
Me to my children: I would kill and die for you
Also me to my children: I AM NOT YOUR DAMN MAID AND WILL BURN ALL THE SHIT ON YOUR BEDROOM FLOORS IN A MASSIVE BONFIRE AND DANCE AROUND THE FLAMES IN GLORY AND RAGE
Me: On today’s episode of Inside the Actor’s Studio….apartment….
Ryan Reynolds: How did you get in here?
I thought it was a staring contest but then I realized the guy had a glass eye so now I can never go back to that gas station again.
Me: So, other than the slow start, not engaging with the readers, a meandering plot, an absence of a POV, and wooden dialogue, you think it’ll be a best seller?
Editor: No, that’s not what I’m saying.
The way my 12 year old is using commas makes it sound like Christopher Walken wrote her essay.
Birthday sex is just having sex to celebrate your parents having sex.
I shake my bottled water so the H’s & O’s are evenly distributed.
[Jr. Biology class, girls in jumpsuits burst in]
OK, who’s ready for fun? We’re The Photosynthesisters & we’re gonna talk 2 U about PLANTS!
Donald Trump always looks like he’s trying to apply lip gloss in a rear view mirror.
Me at 18: I’ll sleep when I’m dead.
Me at 34: If I don’t get some sleep, I’m going to die.
All I’m saying is why blame it on being lazy when you can blame it on being old?
After speaking with the psychiatrist, I’ve learned that “hungry” is in fact NOT an emotion. So I’m in the market for a new psychiatrist.
damn boy, are you Comic Sans? because I cannot take you seriously
I was 14 before I realized that banana peels and anvils weren’t America’s leading causes of death.
wife: I know we had plans tonight but I’ve been stuck in traffic for an hour and I just want to come home and relax
me [unaware that we had plans] Ok
Today the neighbors are blasting country music from the boom box on the back deck. Tomorrow, they’ll be looking for the boom box that used to be on their back deck.
If you encounter a bear in the woods, stand perfectly still and try to look like kale.
The date abruptly ended when an argument over who’s the hottest Disney princess spiralled out of control.
“Open your gift”
A ‘non-stick’ frying pan?
“You don’t like it?”
Non-stick? [smashes rest of gifts] YOU KNOW HOW MUCH I LOVE STICKS BRENDA
how do y’all walk in shallow water
How confused about the world are you right now, on a scale of 0 to “trying to figure out a friend’s shower”
A lady just told me that the theatrical release of “Cats!” is what caused the pandemic, and I want to argue, but I can’t.
boss: sorry, we have to let you go
me: in the middle of a work retreat?
boss *severing my rock climbing rope*
Husband: We’re invited to a dinner party
Me: Did Agatha Christie teach us nothing??
Kids today have no idea how good they have it. They’ve got fancy electronics, cartoons on tv every day, and even tooth colored fillings.
I’m not a chef but sometimes I use the word umami so people know I’ve seen some cooking shows.