lmfao come on
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They said good sex was all about chemistry, so I wore a lab coat & slept with a beaker.
I want an ecologically friendly burial (chuck me over my neighbor’s fence).
What I say and what I mean are three different things.
What my neighbors thought of me after they moved in:
1. She’s eating cake
2. She’s eating chips
3. She’s eating cake again
4. She’s dipping chips in the cake
*my boss angrily taps his watch because I come into the meeting late
*i angrily tap my watch back because this meeting is too early
Me: What’s your name please?
Customer: Hal
Me: I never met a Hal What’s that short for?
Customer: Harold
Me: I’m gonna go ahead and write Hallelujah
Boss: Could you ever just don’t?
*wraps bacon in bacon wrapped bacon*
I tell people I rearrange my furniture to change things up, but we all know it’s to annoy my husband
Working out in the rose garden today and came face to face with a territorial bee, I took a couple of swats at it and pissed it off, now she’s daring me to open the screen door.
Everyone at this exorcism is being like really mean to me
Does the acting in porn have to be THAT bad? I’m not looking for any Meryl Streep performances, but c’mon.
Pizza Hut is going gluten free so while you are dying from a heart attack you can atleast not have gas problems
Dentist: Ok, I’m going to start drilling.
“Wait! What if I have to poop?”
D: Then you should go now.
*awkward pause*
“Thanks I feel better.”
Kids nowadays don’t know how easy they have it with their Google, back in my day, we all thought the lyrics to Informer were “Informah, yaknowfeyameeeblaaan, a lickyboomboomdowwwn” and we just had to accept it.
Warm welcome to all my new followers from last night when I changed my avi to a skinny brunette from Pinterest
I just saw my 25-year-old son run water on a slice of pizza to cool it off. I need to sit down.
*accidentally points showerhead in wrong direction*
OH NO! MY SHOWER TRISCUITS!
HOT SINGLE GRANNIES IN YOUR AREA WANT YOU TO LOOK AT HOW TALL YOU’VE GOTTEN
I give new meaning to the word “awesome.”
At least I did when I changed the Wikipedia entry.
Me: How much more oatmeal can you eat before you become a literary classic?
Donkey: What?
Me: *giggling* Donkey Oaty
i think anyone who has ever had beautiful styled hair or tried to hold a big pile of leaves in their hands will know the trouble a gust of wind can cause.
[Congress]
MARK ZUCKERBERG: if you do not harvest your crops in a timely manner on Farmville they will die, I cannot stress this enough
I went in to a pet shop. I said, “I would like to buy a goldfish?” The guy said, “Do you want an aquarium?”
I said, “I don’t care what astrological sign it is.”
How disappointing is it that Han Solo didn’t name his son ‘Guitar’
Screw this, I’m going in search of buried treasure. I’m outta here. *stubs toe on coffee table*
Finished my book on how to fall down the stairs, it’s a step by step guide.
[inventor of frisbee]
“I hate this plate”
The Twelve Days of Christmas would cost$107,000 this year which is relatively cheap considering the amount of human trafficking in the song.
Her name is Virginia and she wants to write a massive check for your organization, but only if you add a ballet studio because she was a ballerina. Which is sweet, but you’re a food bank.