Any other ladies having their period during this Friday the 13th Full Moon want to meet up and combine powers? I’ll bring a salad.
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Print is alive and well!!!
Traveler’s camo
You people that are getting laid regularly either need to keep that stuff to yourselves or be more descriptive.
centaur: I broke my arm
doctor: it’s okay I can fix it
centaur: I broke my leg too
doctor: *cocks rifle*
wife: our house is on fire! who you gonna call?!
[later]
ghostbusters (standing in ashes): you really should’ve called the fire department
Did you know that if a unicorn and I were to race the unicorn would likely win cause unicorns are about as real as my desire to race anything?
Yeah, I experimented in college. I tried beet chips.
I don’t go to the circus. Not because I’m scared of clowns, but because I’m scared of people who go to the circus.
You can’t force me to watch your ads. YouTube. I will look away and plug my ears
I instantly feel horrible when I judge someone, so I stopped.
Now I make rational conclusions based on insightful observations.
New tinder profile pic
Waiter: how did u find your meal
Me: *sweating* i…i looked down
Tomorrow’s dress up day for my kids school is “throwback to the 2000’s.” Pardon me while I go grab my walker.
7: We should probably sell our pets before they get old and die.
I guess I know which of my kids is NOT getting power of attorney.
Bart Simpson is bad for this country of America
Me : what’s that thing that’s not a bed
Husband: a chair?
Me: No
Husband: cheeseburgers?
Me: No come on!
Husband: mice?
No more questions until my mom gets here
-Me to HR
Barnabas had a lazy eye.
The other, however, was a real go-getter.
Nobody is happy. Be like Nobody.
Her: Why do you have a copy of 50 Shades of Grey in your bathroom? Perv!
Me: Oh. No that’s just for when I run out of toilet paper.
Muscle memory, but it’s the Amazon driver pulling up to my house on the odd day he doesn’t have a package for us.
Thy pee runneth clear,
Hydration is near.
Thy pee runneth yellow,
Drink up, my good fellow
Fyi dark walnut wood stain tastes nothing at all like walnuts
TYRION: People love stories. And no one has a better story than Bran
ARYA, WHO LEARNED SHAPE-SHIFTING AND MURDERED THE INVINCIBLE ICE KING OF DEATH: Bran has what now
“I’m a little upset.” — Canadian protest sign
having a bad day today. 😔 can everyone please send cute pictures of their banking app login info.
Someone suggested a breakfast salad, and then I wondered why someone could be so mean.
Make sure you know what you’re getting tonight…#HAPPYHALLOWEEN. #GirlCode
*checks WebMD*
Holy crap, I need an ambulance!
*checks insurance deductible*
Nevermind, I’ll just take a vitamin or something.