Any other person cuts their thumb: “Expletive!”

Me, a Catholic person: “Expletive! To thee do we cry, poor banished children of Eve!”

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Door-to-door Christian guy: Jesus loves you.

Me: Really? Just me?

Him: Well, no. He loves everyone.

Me: I don’t have time for players.


Toddler: I want to go to bed with Thor & captain America

Me: me too kid, me too


i’m torn between getting my own personal jesus or getting a large jesus to share with the whole table


The Devil has his own Bible. He’s releasing it slowly in internet comment threads all across the web.


The guy behind the counter asked me what I wanted on my sub and I said a collar and restraints and now I’m not allowed in Subway.


Facebook is where you’ll find people sharing screenshots of sarcastic tweets and commenting “stupid”.


a segment like “celebrities read mean tweets” but instead it’s professors reading course evaluations written by students who failed their class


if you have a dog and don’t greet it by singing “hello barkness, my old friend” then what’s the point


ONLINE BOYFRIEND: “Why do you have so many socks?”

ME: [hiding my octopus tentacles while on webcam] “Haha, no reason. They are just fun to have.”