Any other person cuts their thumb: “Expletive!”

Me, a Catholic person: “Expletive! To thee do we cry, poor banished children of Eve!”

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My Dyslexic Cat thinks she has ” P ” no. of lives.


The human body is 70 percent water?? *looks at a glass of water* damn girl


[Penn and Teller getting a loan for their comedy act]
“Ok all you guys need is a name”
*they look around bank for ideas*


Parents that tell u “it’s just a little noise” when their kid cries on a train are the same ones who knock on ur door when the music is loud


The difference between your husband and your Netflix account is, over time, your Netflix account learns what you like.


A lady told me she was a widow and I accidentally said “congratulations.”


Genie: you still have 2 wishes left. you sure you don’t want to use them?

Me: [eating cheesecake] nope I’m good

Genie: alright then [disappears]

Me: [finishes cheesecake] oh no


[first date]



*20 minutes later*

ME: how about we text each other

HIM: *already typing*


I hope this flight attendant noticed how promptly I returned my seat back and tray table to their full upright position.