@HatfieldAnne

Any other person cuts their thumb: “Expletive!”

Me, a Catholic person: “Expletive! To thee do we cry, poor banished children of Eve!”

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@ndiquote

My Dyslexic Cat thinks she has ” P ” no. of lives.

@briangaar

The human body is 70 percent water?? *looks at a glass of water* damn girl

@DanMentos

[Penn and Teller getting a loan for their comedy act]
“Ok all you guys need is a name”
*they look around bank for ideas*

@_PerziaN_

Parents that tell u “it’s just a little noise” when their kid cries on a train are the same ones who knock on ur door when the music is loud

@LindaInDisguise

The difference between your husband and your Netflix account is, over time, your Netflix account learns what you like.

@illuminateddino

A lady told me she was a widow and I accidentally said “congratulations.”

@AbbieEvansXO

Genie: you still have 2 wishes left. you sure you don’t want to use them?

Me: [eating cheesecake] nope I’m good

Genie: alright then [disappears]

Me: [finishes cheesecake] oh no

@AtticusFinch79

[first date]

ME:

HIM:

*20 minutes later*

ME: how about we text each other

HIM: *already typing*

@yonewt

I hope this flight attendant noticed how promptly I returned my seat back and tray table to their full upright position.