@HatfieldAnne

Any other person cuts their thumb: “Expletive!”

Me, a Catholic person: “Expletive! To thee do we cry, poor banished children of Eve!”

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@XplodingUnicorn

Door-to-door Christian guy: Jesus loves you.

Me: Really? Just me?

Him: Well, no. He loves everyone.

Me: I don’t have time for players.

@Wishes_She_Was

Toddler: I want to go to bed with Thor & captain America

Me: me too kid, me too

@rachelle_mandik

i’m torn between getting my own personal jesus or getting a large jesus to share with the whole table

@kumailn

The Devil has his own Bible. He’s releasing it slowly in internet comment threads all across the web.

@kirkdiedrich

The guy behind the counter asked me what I wanted on my sub and I said a collar and restraints and now I’m not allowed in Subway.

@Tylerosis

Facebook is where you’ll find people sharing screenshots of sarcastic tweets and commenting “stupid”.

@mars___bars

a segment like “celebrities read mean tweets” but instead it’s professors reading course evaluations written by students who failed their class

@bornmiserable

if you have a dog and don’t greet it by singing “hello barkness, my old friend” then what’s the point

@roxiqt

ONLINE BOYFRIEND: “Why do you have so many socks?”

ME: [hiding my octopus tentacles while on webcam] “Haha, no reason. They are just fun to have.”