Any party is an ugly sweater party if you’re ugly and you sweat a lot
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NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: whats that big wooden boat ur building
NOAH: it’s an ark
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: idk looks like a boat to me
NOAH: well it’s an ark
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: haha ok guy have fun with the boat
NOAH: have fun drowning
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: what
NOAH: what
Facebook sent me a notification….unfortunately, my meth lab on Farmville blew up.
The most rebellious thing about me is that I refuse to cover my super white legs no matter how many people I blind with them
My lockdown lifestyle is like that of the wife of an as-yet-undiscovered serial killer in the 70’s.
– home alone daily in a housedress / nightgown
– making ice in trays
– doing housework
– going through old boxes wondering where did all this weird women’s jewelry come from
I am only one bad decision away from selling pictures of my feet covered in cookie dough to strangers on the internet.
I tried watching Inception with Twitter on. I still don’t know what Juno was doing in their dreams.
JAMES CAMERON: i have the single greatest idea for a movie based on the biggest iceberg disaster in history—
ME: [exaggerated sigh] dude, no one is going to watch an entire movie about lettuce
It could take a lifetime to show someone how much you care, but only 2mins if you stuff them in your trunk
me: want to help me save the bees this weekend?
her: sure!
[later]
her: uhhh, this isn’t what i thought it would be
me: *pauses reading the bible to a beehive* what do you mean
agent: *getting tortured* do your worst
villain: why would i do that
agent: it’s just… i was trying to sound tough
villain: i’m always doing my best
agent: i know. you’re doing great
villain: thanks
I’m more comfortable hearing my five-year-old repeat swear words in public than I am hearing him say “uh-oh!” from another room.
an orca patiently sitting through a Geico commercial before it can watch a boat sinking tutorial on youtube
guy in the stall next to me at this bar is ordering a pizza on the phone & I now realize my commitment to pizza is severely lacking
Nothing will convince you to never have kids quite like having one.
People act all namby-pamby while dating, then wonder why divorce rates are so high. Stop chatting about the weather and start asking the real questions, people. How do you feel about lace curtains? Will you cheat on me if I let myself go? Do you check your brake lines regularly?
Say what you will about Facebook but when my wife sees posts by my extended family, at least I don’t look so bad.
the scariest thing about jeff bezos is that he is impossible to ratatouille
ME: Behold! I’ve invented the ultimate truth serum!
WIFE: I never loved you
ME: Wait, no, you’re supposed to drink it first
I made some fish tacos today…
But they just ignored them and swam away…
i’m almost fully convinced that the people who design jeans have never actually seen a human body
sick of our media’s unrealistic portrayal of Boomerangs , which are weak as shit in real life
Oh yeah, shit’s about to get real, I say, as I seductively unbutton my pants…..
to make room for this next bite of pie.
My 9yo just asked me: if I fail a test was it me who did bad or the teacher? 🤯
Everyone always jokes that women are obsessed with shoes but my female friends aren’t the ones posting 6 sneaker insta pics a week
Gemini: Please stop touching the Amulet of Unceasing Regret. It’s not a toy.
picking up knife:
picking up knife in movie: *SHING*
A robot steals your job. It hurts, but that’s how the economy works. Nothing personal. The robot starts texting your wife.
It’s 3am and my neighbor across the street is sorting two garbage bins full of cabbages on his front lawn. Whatever gets you through the night, man.
Me: *grins* Couldn’t help but notice you checking me out.
Girl: Yeah, I’m a cashier at a grocery store. That’s my job.
Is it soup spoon or dessert spoon when eating a jar of mayonnaise?