@leshnevsky

Any phrase can be banalized,by adding “if you know what I mean” at the end.
EG: This morning my wife made me a ??tea,if you know what I mean

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@pilau

medium: so you want to contact your wife

wife: *muffled* open the door

me: sometimes I can still hear her voice

wife: *through the window* I forgot my keys

me: it’s like she’s here watching over me

@KalvinMacleod

A fun way to make things uncomfortable at work is to buy a box of donuts for everyone but keep them on your lap.

@singwithTaffy

(strolls into men’s warehouse)
yes, and hello and how much to
keep all my mens here

@spaceboyriley

[first day working for IKEA]

Customer: one nightstand please

Me: sorry, I’m married

@lafix

Why do people try to trick babies into thinking airplanes are delicious?

@iwearaonesie

wife: WHO LOADED THE DISHWASHER?
[cut to me sitting at a bus station waiting to start my new life]

@_SingleBabyMama

My phone died at the gym and I had to do the elliptical with zero entertainment like the pioneers did in the olden days.

@realHamOnWry

Betty White is so tough that the Coronavirus is social distancing from her.

@Proxic0n

Me: I have Schrödinger like reflexes

“Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?”

Me: Yes and No.

@BeeeejEsq

I put my phone in airplane mode and started constantly banging my knees on stuff.