Buddy: her boyfriend was killed?
Me: Yeah, she said he was hung like a horse but I’m like, who even kills horses like that?
Any phrase can be banalized,by adding “if you know what I mean” at the end.
EG: This morning my wife made me a ??tea,if you know what I mean
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[Shopping with $100]
As a child: Look at how much stuff I can buy!
As an adult: Why is this bath towel $15?
Me: please give my compliments to the chef
Waiter to chef: The sweater that guy at Table 7 is wearing really brings out his eyes
me: hey man you ready to go?
goku: hold on I gotta charge my phone
me: almost done?
me: son of a-
[On the next episode of…]
I’m walking on sunshine, AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH and I’m startin’ to feel
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH THIS IS TERRIBLE
Four uses I have for my guitar now:
1) fly swatter
2) wiffle ball bat
3) rug beater
4) oven pizza spatula thing
Me: time for bed
Brain: yeah I’m tired too
M: really? wow we may actually get some slee-
B: hey do you think anyone’s died in this house?
[updating CW’s iPhone]
M: You need more gigs
CW: I don’t need no gigs I got a job
Having a smart phone doesn’t make you smart.
We run in slow motion toward each other across an open field.
Her side is mined.