@leshnevsky

Any phrase can be banalized,by adding “if you know what I mean” at the end.
EG: This morning my wife made me a ??tea,if you know what I mean

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@uncle_fescue

Buddy: her boyfriend was killed?

Me: Yeah, she said he was hung like a horse but I’m like, who even kills horses like that?

@milliondollrfam

[Shopping with $100]

As a child: Look at how much stuff I can buy!

As an adult: Why is this bath towel $15?

@AdamBroud

Me: please give my compliments to the chef

[later]

Waiter to chef: The sweater that guy at Table 7 is wearing really brings out his eyes

@IndecisiveJones

me: hey man you ready to go?

goku: hold on I gotta charge my phone

me:

goku: AHHHHHHHHHH

me: almost done?

goku: AHHHHHHHHHH

me: son of a-

[On the next episode of…]

@DurtMcHurtt

I’m walking on sunshine, AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH and I’m startin’ to feel
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH THIS IS TERRIBLE

@2tickytacky

Four uses I have for my guitar now:

1) fly swatter
2) wiffle ball bat
3) rug beater
4) oven pizza spatula thing

@lisaxy424

Me: time for bed
Brain: yeah I’m tired too
M: really? wow we may actually get some slee-
B: hey do you think anyone’s died in this house?

@jdforshort

[updating CW’s iPhone]

M: You need more gigs

CW: I don’t need no gigs I got a job

Having a smart phone doesn’t make you smart.

@UnFitz

Fantasy:

We run in slow motion toward each other across an open field.

Her side is mined.