My current situation
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[phone sex]
GF: Tell me you want me
ME: I want you badly
GF: How badly?
ME: I want you [checking thesaurus in a panic] haphazardly
You can’t buy gifts from a sex offender registry. I know this now.
The wife says she’s at the end of her rope, I guess I’ll put rope on my shopping list.
What a shocker.
I just ran my car through the car wash.
And it turns out the car is white.
the correct way to spell “hats” is HATS because it’s all caps
T-Rex Dad: Today, I’m going to show you how to run after your meal.
T-Rex Teenager: But, if I run after a meal, won’t that upset my stomach?
T-Rex Dad: [Sigh] Our species is going to be SO extinct.
It took a while but my friend finally convinced me that I am hanging with the wrong crowd. He said, “He dude, we’re over here, you don’t know those people.”
Me: Good morning. Allow me to sprinkle some positivity on this gloomy Monday morning.
HR: You can’t just throw glitter at people.
damn he’s good
Walking up to guys with girls with them and saying “you never called! Our son is 5 now” then walk away….always brightens my day
[invention of blue cheese]
“this cheese has gone off”
sell it
“but it’s gone mouldy”
I SAID SELL IT!
“fine”
& double the price
“are u ok?”
Spring love is in the air!
*sprays repellent*
I scream,
You scream,
We all scream because grandma is visiting for Christmas and she forgot her hearing aids again.
Placing quotations in “different spots” really give others the “false idea,” especially when I’m talking about their “wife.”
do you actually wanna go to grad school or are you just depressed and were trained to find (fleeting) fulfillment in academic success
[Job Interview]
Boss: It says you are a great problem solver
Me: Yes
B: Can you give me an example?
Me: I’m hired
B: *whispers* holy shit
My computer beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
Every month my landlord sends an email letting me know that in these trying and uncertain times rent is still due on the first.
[sitting in airplane exit row]
me: [taps neighbor on shoulder] this power we wield over life and death is intoxicating
I’m awake but I object,
[At Doctor]
Me:I’m having chest pain
Doc:Did you buy a new bra?
Me:Yes! Thanks for noticing!
Doc:I meant it could be causing the pain
Me:Oh
Ffs laughed out loud 😂
at my girlfriend’s house for thanksgiving and i asked if we could watch the game and she said “of course!” then put on a gossip girl thanksgiving episode
“Say no to Lindsay Lohan.” – drugs.
ME: The cupboard keeps opening
HANDYMAN: I see why
M: Ghosts?
H: …This screw’s loose
M: Right… But where would ghosts get a screwdriver?
Some of us matured in our 30’s and naturally stopped committing crime as the risk was not deemed worth the reward
Some of us just developed bad knees
[me on a ledge]
COP: (through megaphone) WE’VE CALLED SOMEONE WHO CAN HELP!
*Kris Kross steps out of a police van*
I started this new workout that helps protect my abs and obliques by rubbing grilled cheese sandwiches on them from the inside then my body puts a protective layer around them on the outside.
Took the road less travelled after telling the wife that we didn’t need to stop and ask for directions.