@leshnevsky

Any phrase can be banalized,by adding “if you know what I mean” at the end.
EG: This morning my wife made me a ??tea,if you know what I mean

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@roywoodjr

If ya’ll had let everybody eat the Tide Pods when they wanted to they wouldn’t be out here licking the ice cream.

@Marlebean

“I should probably start filling this thing out.”

-I say about my son’s baby memory book on his wedding day.

@NickSchug

If I worked at a pizza place I would use pepperoni to spell out “Marry me?” on pizzas all the time just to make things awkward for couples.

@man_spach

When the internet is down I turn my bed into a make-believe boat and play Life of Pi with the cat

@sageboggs

My family doesn’t have a swear jar, but we do have a totes perf jar. If you say totes or perf, we throw a jar at you

@MelsLien

Airlines: $35 to put your bag on our plane

Airlines: $16 for bag of chips

Airlines: Sorry you want your *legs* to fit? $75

Airlines: haha, you have to fork over an extra $50 to choose the seat you already paid for

Airlines:

Airlines: Oh no someone help us we r out of monies

@kivtur

*steps out of the time machine* Me: what year is this?

Wife: Stop playing with the washing machine.

@spaceboyriley

Girlfriend: can you run to the gas station and get some gas

Me: sure

Gas station employee: how can I help you

Me: *sweating out of breath* gas please

Gas station employee: where’s your car

@HousewifeOfHell

I tried bringing sexy back, but it scratched me, scampered away, and hid under a car.

@sageboggs

My friends & I were taking shots every time Trump interrupted Clinton. My BFF Chad is dead ūüôĀ