If ya’ll had let everybody eat the Tide Pods when they wanted to they wouldn’t be out here licking the ice cream.
Any phrase can be banalized,by adding “if you know what I mean” at the end.
EG: This morning my wife made me a ??tea,if you know what I mean
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“I should probably start filling this thing out.”
-I say about my son’s baby memory book on his wedding day.
If I worked at a pizza place I would use pepperoni to spell out “Marry me?” on pizzas all the time just to make things awkward for couples.
When the internet is down I turn my bed into a make-believe boat and play Life of Pi with the cat
My family doesn’t have a swear jar, but we do have a totes perf jar. If you say totes or perf, we throw a jar at you
Airlines: $35 to put your bag on our plane
Airlines: $16 for bag of chips
Airlines: Sorry you want your *legs* to fit? $75
Airlines: haha, you have to fork over an extra $50 to choose the seat you already paid for
Airlines: Oh no someone help us we r out of monies
*steps out of the time machine* Me: what year is this?
Wife: Stop playing with the washing machine.
Girlfriend: can you run to the gas station and get some gas
Gas station employee: how can I help you
Me: *sweating out of breath* gas please
Gas station employee: where’s your car
I tried bringing sexy back, but it scratched me, scampered away, and hid under a car.
My friends & I were taking shots every time Trump interrupted Clinton. My BFF Chad is dead 🙁