date: tell me about yourself
me: I want to kill the moon
date: I have a bit of a dark side too
me: [narrows eyes]
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My 5 yo always asks for 5 of any treat, because he thinks that’s how it works. I told him that was ridiculous while polishing off my 42nd chocolate chip cookie
My superpower is to make anyone I wanna make comfortable feel uncomfortable.
I’ve hidden porn everywhere. Not ordinary porn either, all that weird shit.
When I die, my family will talk about me for years to come.
My 4yo picked up a toy and put it away without being asked, and I just stared at her like she was a woodland animal I didn’t want to scare.
[parent/teacher conference]
Teacher: Your son is reading four levels above his classmates.
Me: [peeling Elmer’s Glue off my palm] What?
Son: What’s for dinner
Me: Tater tots
Son: What else?
Me: Since your mom put an open bag in the freezer backwards so I couldn’t tell it was open and you didn’t sweep the floor like you were told. I’d say dog fur
if anne hathaway doesnt say anne hatharrived every time she walks into a room she’s wasting a great opportunity
I have 2 friends that are trying to become models, and I’m just over here with 75 chicken mcnuggets in my cheeks like a squirrel.
Captain: relax, it’s just a title
Second Mate: WHAT DOES HE MEAN TO YOU
This is Weller. He picked this flower for you. He also may have eaten a few of them. Not this one though. This one was special. 12/10 we are honored Weller
*yawning at an art museum*
“I already saw that on Tumblr.”
“Whoever’s in charge of this music sucks”
This is a funeral. Show some respect.
“Whoever’s in charge of this music sucks, sir.”
Me: Shout out to all my homies!
Homies: Stop shouting at us.
“How many volunteers do we have for my evil army?”
384 my liege
“Ok, round them up”
400 my liege
Walmart keeps two elderly people on staff at all times: one to greet you, and one to walk slowly in front of you on the way out.
I very much doubt that actual military commandos go into battle without underwear on.
Netflix has such a dead movie selection, no wonder half the time everyone just starts having sex instead
Saw a guy on the highway in the car next to me sneeze so I ran him off the road and into the barrier. We’re in this together, folks
My dad was calling the cat bad so my mom said, “She’s not meant to be good. She’s meant to look beautiful.”
Everyone talks about selling excess solar to the electric company to pay for their solar panels, but nobody talks about selling excess flatulence to the gas company to pay for their Brussels Sprouts.
museums: why doesn’t anyone go to museums anymore
also museums: thanks for the $22. here are 87 bolted down ipads. tap on them
I’ll date any guy that can digest a seagull faster than me.
me: thanks for the little cup of mountain dew
nurse: what mountain dew
me: it was on the bathroom counter
nurse: omg
me: what
nurse: u drank my mountain dew
Guy just walking down the street minding his own business when bodega gato runs out and jumps up on his walker. They just standing / sitting at this impasse for like five full min now…
Your whole life changes when your older kid is finally old enough to babysit your younger kid.
[My first day as a garbageman]
Text from wife: You forgot to take out the trash.
Me: Goddammit
Can’t believe you got your kid’s name tattooed on you, like what if you break up?
You can’t give me a mini fan at work and expect me not to spend the whole morning pretending I’m a model doing a photo shoot. It’s science.
comic about CROWDSURFIN #hiveworks
Everyone hates on the dentist but at least they don’t try to weigh you.