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Made the mistake of dropping my pants when my dentist put on latex gloves.


Me: [doing crossword] a body of water; three letters.

Wife: bay.

Me: flying insect w/ stinger; three letters.

Wife: bee.

Me: to hush someone; four letters.

Wife: shhh.

Me: boat Noah built; three letters.

Wife: ark.



[travels back in time to warn 12 year old me about playing video games too much] you become fat and lazy and-whoa Mortal Kombat 2 scoot over


First off I want to commend you for taking part in credit counselling. Now, under assets you wrote “like an onion”. Can you clarify?


Getting a cat is SO much easier. Go outside. Put cat food out. Pet whatever comes to eat it. Best 30 raccoons I’ve ever had. Also rabies.


If my kid vanished on a plane like in that Jodie Foster movie I’d spend maybe 2-3 hrs enjoying the legroom & quiet before I started looking.


I only have sex with the lights off to prevent having to explain some of my tattoos.



Me: *puts hands out*

Cop: wait… are you the hand model for Rolex?

Me: *blushing* guilty

Cop [winking aggressively]: Uh oh someone’s gonna have to serve some TIME


Most Well-known Speeches:

1. Gettysburg Address – Abe Lincoln

2. I Have a Dream – Martin Luther King

3. You Need to Floss – Every Dentist


“Sure the Decepticons are trying to kill us, but at least the price of fuel is reasonable”

-Optimistic Prime.