Any psychic who needs a door bell to let them know someone is there is probably not worth the money.

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[sky diving]
INSTRUCTOR: questions before we jump?
ME: do u think clams ever choke on their pearls?
INSTRUCTOR: *pushes me out of the plane*


Son: Dad, I’d like you to meet my girlfriend

Me: That’s a raccoon


Me: *tearing up* I’m so proud of you


me: hello darkness my old friend
darkness: you are going to hate me but I forgot your name


* tea cozies slightly askew
* “???”
* light clinking of paperclips heard in empty rooms


If Oprah took over Favstar, everyone would get a trophy.


Ok so my grandmother is going on holiday on Friday, wants me to water her plants while she’s away & should never use emojis.


-I heard this dog was chipped.
-Microchipped sir.
-I don’t care how small the chip is, I’m not paying full price.


Me: Do you want to get dressed up for Thanksgiving dinner?
Husband: Sure! What should we wear?
Me: Shoes?


If you can say “I made six figures last year,” you either have a well paying job or you’re the worst employee at a toy factory.