@ItsMeAshleyWee

Any psychic who needs a door bell to let them know someone is there is probably not worth the money.

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@KalvinMacleod

[sky diving]
INSTRUCTOR: questions before we jump?
ME: do u think clams ever choke on their pearls?
INSTRUCTOR: *pushes me out of the plane*

@ThugRaccoons

Son: Dad, I’d like you to meet my girlfriend

Me: That’s a raccoon

Son:

Me: *tearing up* I’m so proud of you

@UniqueDude2

me: hello darkness my old friend
darkness: you are going to hate me but I forgot your name

@yerpalmildsauce

SIGNS YOUR HOUSE IS
HAUNTED BY A SHY GHOST:
* tea cozies slightly askew
* “???”
* light clinking of paperclips heard in empty rooms

@twayne1010

If Oprah took over Favstar, everyone would get a trophy.

@david8hughes

Ok so my grandmother is going on holiday on Friday, wants me to water her plants while she’s away & should never use emojis.

@SadMeterologist

-I heard this dog was chipped.
-Microchipped sir.
-I don’t care how small the chip is, I’m not paying full price.

@sixfootcandy

Me: Do you want to get dressed up for Thanksgiving dinner?
Husband: Sure! What should we wear?
Me: Shoes?

@o__0Dev

If you can say “I made six figures last year,” you either have a well paying job or you’re the worst employee at a toy factory.