Any psychic who needs a door bell to let them know someone is there is probably not worth the money.
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some people recharge in nature. some people recharge at the olive garden.
I find it very upsetting that dragon fruit has such a cool name, looks so exotic, and then tastes like a diabolical farmer crossed a kiwi with a potato.
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[first date]
Him: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a meteorologist.
Him: Cool. I love meat.
If it wasn’t for the 140 character limit, I’d be on Chapter 27 of my first tweet right now.
I want to know what the cat was doing that made the animal control officer be like, you know what, I think this cat just destroyed an 8-ball.
3-year-old: Daddy, I love you *hugs me*
Me: I love y- Did you wipe your mouth on my shirt?
Most of fatherhood is just being a good napkin.
seminar…
Me: *raising hand*
Speaker: Surely one of you has an intelligent question.
Me: *lowers hand*
I want my house to be tidy enough so that if someone drops by unexpectedly it doesn’t look like we’re six days into battling a poltergeist.
my ex never cleaned the coffee filter basket. it was grounds for divorce . folks,,
I was asking Alexa to play music, but she wasn’t listening. I stomped my way over so I could scold her when I realized Roomba had unplugged her. That chaotic little shit. Always starting fights with his siblings.
[hijacking a hot-air balloon] i have scissors
This TikTok trend might be my favorite so far
Shouldn’t all ghosts be naked? It’s not like your clothes die too.
I’m texting hubs a grocery list one item at a time so he can experience his phone blowing up
Me: I need a vacation by myself.
Me, alone on the beach for 5 minutes with my thoughts: not like that.
My daughter asked me what it’s like to have kids so I interrupted her every 11 seconds until she cried.
Friend: My husband sets his alarm 30 minutes early so we can cuddle in the morning.
Me: My husband lets me sleep because he values his life.
I knew my kid inherited my artistic abilities back when she drew that cute little pig. She called it a dog, but whatever.
Shout out to the top 5 suits in the world, 3-piece, zoot, swim, law and birthday.
stop asking if your body is ready for the beach and start asking if the beach is ready for your body
doctor: are u drinking enough fluids
me: i’ve never drunk anything else
2yo: Mommy, the baby is being ridiculous!
Me: He is? How?
2yo: *exasperated* Because he won’t talk to me!!
Me:
if you text me “we need to talk” i’m gonna reply “yes we do” now we both stressed
Where there’s a pill, there’s a yay.
Inside you are two wolves as city sprawl continues driving them from their natural habitat
So she was like, “Put on some protection”. I then pulled out & wore a yellow construction hat. We laughed & laughed & now I have herpes.
My daughter asked me if I’d be very upset if she didn’t live with me when she’s a grownup so I told her I’d try my best once I stopped laughing
I asked my dad what his favorite joke was.
He said, “I can’t pick a favorite. I love you and your sister equally!”