Any question can be a rhetorical question if you walk away fast enough.
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Me: Do you have any three tiered wedding cakes?
Baker: But of course! When do you need it by?
M: No, I’ll just eat it here.
One time I had a boss who called me while he was in the bathroom, and then he accidentally peed on himself, so sometimes good things happen.
Bunnies are not the same as cats, but I dare you to tell the difference in a blind taste test.
birds can make their homes in tall treetops and soar at great heights and pigeons are like no thank you i will commute by foot to home depot
Stopped drinking coffee 3 days ago, and feel less and less addicted to caffeine with every new cup of my own pee.
New friend- What do you do for a living?
Me- Disappoint my family.
Say what you will, but at least both of my AirPods still work.
Probably.
If I can just remember where the hell…
I just want to be as carefree as the parents who opt for the light interior color options in their cars.
The Pillsbury Doughboy is a goddam monster who sacrifices his own people so that he can get a finger poke.
There is no “I” in the word “team,” but I don’t think that means anything about team work. That’s just how it’s spelled.
Barista: Name?
Me: Ursula
Barista: With an E?
Me: no, U
Stop pissing me off or I’ll marry you
My friend and I have a pact that if we’re not married by age 40, we’re going to fist bump and take shots for making good decisions
*dumps more fleas on my head*
*sits back down in front of chimpanzee*
So, anyway, like I was saying…
Went on ChristianMingle .com and kept asking myself, “Who Would Jesus Do”?
ME: I’m not the same person I was yesterday. What you’re looking at is a different me.
Passport agent:
If movies have taught me anything, it’s that the insurance for fruit vendor carts must be astronomical.
Hearing a toddler say “uh oh” from a different room: cheaper than joining a gym and just as effective a workout
I just ‘borrowed’ $20 from my teenage daughter.
She’s such an idiot.
*Action movie guy gets shot 3 times* It’s nothing, I’ll be fine. *gets shot a 4th time* Wow ok, that last one, ok whoooooo.
Why do we say “used to” for “accustomed to”?
“I’m used to it.” Yoost to. Yoozed to.
My daughter is such a happy little person she giggles in her sleep, which makes me worry that somehow she’s not my biological offspring
I hate the word Fiancée. Why do i have to speak french just because youre getting married
Me *taking long drag on cigarette: “Kids, funerals aren’t really for the dead you know. They’re for the living”
*2 weeks later
[In church]
Priest: “We are gathered here today to…”Me *furiously banging on coffin lid: “This is not what I meant!“
Son: *picks up backpack* I’m off!
Me: Where are you going?
Son: The bathroom. I hear it’s great this time of year. Been planning this trip for minutes.
[later]
Me: How was your trip?
Son: Highly recommend it. Good to get away for a while.
The hardest thing Vision has to do
Lonely nights, we’ve all been here. Pretending to choke so someone hugs you. Pretending a jellyfish stung you so someone pees on you. Usual.
Sorry I asked if your grandparents were part of the Halloween display at your house.
*6 opens piggy bank*
Me: wtf where’d you get all that?
6: mommy said I could take $1 out of your wallet each day bc you’d never know
These boots were made for walking, and that’s just what they’ll do. One of these day–oh goddamn it. Did you glue these to the floor, Carl?!