If you have nothing nice to say, tweet.
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can we all agree that Mini Cooper drivers need to put an extended flag on the back of their cars so the stalls where they’re parked stop looking empty?
Kurt Cobain did not die for you to wear his t-shirt to an Imagine Dragons concert
I’m wearing black with navy blue today. Fight me. Any bruising will only serve to tie it all together.
Me: I’m cutting back on wine!
Future Me: You might want to hold off on that decision until you hear what’s coming .
I like waiters.
They bring a lot to the table.
I would date a communist girl but there are too many red flags
Me: I’ll cook breakfast
Wife: Whatcha making?
M: Poached eggs on brioche with pancetta & hollandaise
W: REALLY?
M: No. One Pop Tart or two?
Last night, I fell asleep with one of those new e-cigarettes in my mouth.I woke up half an hour later and my whole house was on the internet
H: What’s for breakfast?
M: I’m having potatoes and orange juice. *sips juice*
H: Great, when are you making potatoes?
M: They’re in my orange juice.
It’s that time between Christmas and New Years when the fridge is still packed but with random Christmas items so get ready for a casserole of figs, garlic stuffed olives, pineapple jam, and King’s Hawaiian rolls.
[Drives date home]
ME [stops and revs engine sexily] I had a great time tonightDATE: [climbs off my lawnmower] I did not
February
20°
NW OhioIn a 2 acre parking lot, a bird manages to find my windshield.
I like older men because their sense of humour was shaped before Family Guy was popular
“Where do you get your ideas?” he said.
“Same place you do,” she said.
“No, seriously-”
“And I go early so I can take all the best ones.”
David Bowie: We can be heroes
Me: No thanks
David Bowie: Just for one—
Me: I said I’m not interested
People need to wake up and accept that Batman regularly commits tax fraud
If you hate awkward silences, then necrophilia isn’t for you.
The smallest amount of kindness can change the trajectory of one’s day. But on the flip side a good small pinch on the outside of the upper arm can also change the trajectory of one’s day.
All I can say is, choose wisely.
New coworker: What brought you to Wyoming?
Me: I met my wife on Twitter and moved here
New CW: how did you get a woman to talk to you on Twitter?
Me: I didn’t say things like that?
Not a cellphone in sight. Just ppl living in the moment.
I just saw Madonna climb out of a hollowed out tree trunk in the woods near my house.
ME: They call me Mr Universe
DATE: You workout?
ME: I’m constantly expanding
Im bored… I think I’ll go to the mall, find a great parking spot and sit in my car, with the reverse lights on…
Whoever came up with the idea of pills for cats never met a cat
him: omg i love these *leans in* Alexa, what day is it?
still him: oh dude, that’s my bong
Always be kind to people, you never know who may own a boat.
The more you learn about Ebola, the more terrifying it is
My 4yo just saw two people french kissing on TV and asked me why they were “eating each other,” so I’m open to suggestions here.