“any questions for Mr. deGrasse Tyson?”
[I knock over an old woman while sprinting to the mic]

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A smart Halloween costume would be an angel costume because if you died, you could just sneak your way into heaven & be like “I’m back yall”


Quarantine status: I now leave an emergency bra near my keys in case I need to go anywhere.


I just ate dinner. At 4pm. I am SO prepared for my 74th birthday


My uber driver’s looking at me like he’s never seen anyone eat a bowl of cereal in the back of his car before.


Oh the things you don’t know you agreed to when pressing “accept” on the internet…


Daughter: why does that guy with the whistle keep interrupting the football game?

Me: because mommy isn’t there to do it.


Searching for your soulmate could take years. Making a slice of toast takes minutes.


*Beethoven & orchestra take stage*

HECKLER: (chanting) Ode to Joy! Ode to Joy!

Beethoven: –we’re gonna play some new stuff

HECKLER: boooo


A man who calls himself “Dog the Bounty Hunter” is currently hunting down a man named “War Machine”. We all live inside a comic book now.