Any real fan knows the T in Thor is silent.

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ME: I’d like to return a defective boomerang

SHOPKEEPER: Ok. Where is it?

ME: I have no idea


If you beat a man with a mustache in a fist fight, you get to keep his mustache.


Whenever a tweet doesn’t do well initially I think “weird, every single person on the internet must be busy right now”


[Pre-School pick up]

Wife: what did you learn today?

Me: the highest waterfall in the world is actually in the ocean.

Wife: I was talking to our Daughter.

Daughter: snakes got no legs.

Me: [visibly upset] everyone knows that already.


ME: I’d like to be your quarterback

MANAGER: This is a Dominos

ME: The sign said “Hiring All Positions”

MANAGER: [pauses for a moment, then takes out a Jersey from his desk] Touché


“Do you ever get the feeling Mitch is an undercover cop?”
[MITCH enters]
MITCH: Hey guys! *speaking into shirt collar* I brought the drugs


Describing anything that happens in 2017 makes me sound like a crazy person who just screams at park benches.


listed 911 as my emergency contact because, nice try, i know how emergencies work