Any real fan knows the T in Thor is silent.
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hot girl at the club: so can i get your phone number?
me: hell yeah
girl: how about your address?
me: oh for sure, come by
girl: and your mother’s maiden name?
me: wait what
My guy friend was like “I went out last night with a girl who is really flexible so you know what that means…” and it’s like, ‘oh yeah, it means your crew has finally found a grease man for the big heist’.
I bet Usher shows everyone to their seats at his concerts.
Do you have to go to the bathroom?
No
You sure?
Yes
How about now?
No
Now?
No
[movie begins]
Daddy?
FOR CRYING OUT LOUD
Boomer: I got this toy when I was 6. I didn’t open it. Now it’s worth $1000!
Millennial: I put a film of me opening a shoe box on YouTube. Now I’m a millionnaire
I admire my phone for not working when it gets too hot. I, too, sometimes feel that I’m so hot I shouldn’t have to work
Super disappointing that the government is taking so long to distribute and administer the murder hornets
“At your cervix, m’lady”
– me as an OBGYN and also just me
*screaming at the smoke alarm*
DOES THIS SEEM HELPFUL TO YOU???
Daughter (5): “Daddy your tummy is big and bouncy just like our trampoline”
Me: “Well you’re short and can’t spell chrysanthemum”
Interview Tip #3
speak with confidence but don’t oversell yourself
[later]
Interviewer: what makes you think you’d be good for this role?
Me: *confidently* nothing
Guy across the road can’t get his truck started. Now he’s rolled up his sleeves. That’s how you start trucks. By rolling up your sleeves.
You can put a satire warning on whatever you want. People who think Onion stories are real do not know what that word means.
I always wanted to be on Family Feud but there were never 5 people in my family speaking to each other at one time.
if u think ur house is haunted get a cat. whooshing sound? it’s the cat. hear footsteps? def the cat. unseen being devouring your soul? cat.
CAPTAIN AMERICA: *punches guy* Take that villain
CAPTAIN BRITAIN: *punches guy* Take that guvnor
CAPTAIN CANADA: *punches guy* I am so sorry
My wife said she wanted to do it missionary style, so I forced her to change religions and gave her smallpox.
Looks like the mayor is getting serious.
Apparently, Indian banks will give you a loan only if you prove that you don’t need it.
After the tooth fairy didn’t show up for the third night, my 7YO hid a dollar under her sister’s pillow and said, “I’m so done with lazy tooth fairies”
FOMO? No, I’ve got FOBI. Fear of being invited.
My husband texted me from work to ask if our son’s cough was wet or dry and I was like whoa whoa whoa, there’s only room for one fake doctor in this family
What idiot called it “The Nightmare Before Christmas” and not “A Nightmare on Elf Street?”
Babymaking music but it’s the Benny Hill theme song
thinking about the time someone asked me if there was any dairy in the tres leches cake i got. yes there’s tres
My Coworker Bryce lost his license and now has to ride his bike into work and he didn’t even laugh when I called him Brycycle
“Hello, this is Steve, my wife is listening.”
– How I answer every phone call since my wife bought Bluetooth for my car.
[first date]
HER: So, do you like children?
ME: Oh sure, I’ll eat anything.
HER: What?
ME: What?