ME: I’d like to return a defective boomerang
SHOPKEEPER: Ok. Where is it?
ME: I have no idea
Any real fan knows the T in Thor is silent.
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If you beat a man with a mustache in a fist fight, you get to keep his mustache.
Whenever a tweet doesn’t do well initially I think “weird, every single person on the internet must be busy right now”
[Pre-School pick up]
Wife: what did you learn today?
Me: the highest waterfall in the world is actually in the ocean.
Wife: I was talking to our Daughter.
Daughter: snakes got no legs.
Me: [visibly upset] everyone knows that already.
Guilt is a dish best served by Mom.
ME: I’d like to be your quarterback
MANAGER: This is a Dominos
ME: The sign said “Hiring All Positions”
MANAGER: [pauses for a moment, then takes out a Jersey from his desk] Touché
“Do you ever get the feeling Mitch is an undercover cop?”
MITCH: Hey guys! *speaking into shirt collar* I brought the drugs
Describing anything that happens in 2017 makes me sound like a crazy person who just screams at park benches.
listed 911 as my emergency contact because, nice try, i know how emergencies work