Any real fan knows the T in Thor is silent.
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Them: This is a knife for cutting cake
Me: [Laughing] Who actually cuts cake
Them:
Me: Oh
Just reported my neighbors to Belgian authorities because they have a dog named Waffle.
*starts the dishwasher*
*immediately finds 10 cups and 3 bowls my kids left in their room*
There are two kinds of people in the world: Those who divide everybody into two kinds of people, and those who don’t.
Uber driver, “You know, if they had Uber back in my day, I wouldn’t have all these DUIs.”
Me, {opens door} “I’ll just get out right here.”
I don’t mind being fully naked or my top half being naked, but I hate being naked from the waist down only. This is why I could never be a cartoon duck
A hangover so good you crawl out of the bedroom naked and sleep for 6 more hours on the kitchen floor.
“That’s gonna drive me nuts” – peanut farmer showing off his new truck
PSYCHIC: I can feel a spirit in this house.
ME: Is it saying anything?
PSYCHIC: Yes, your car warranty is about to expire…
My daughter stole and lost my good brow tweezers, and the only good thing is that now when I yell at her about it my brows look extra angry.
therapist: are you still scared of your own existence?
me: I’m afraid I am
Therapist: And what do we do when we’re sad?
Fleabag: Go to church.
Therapist: Good.
Fleabag: To flirt with the priest.
Therapist: No.
Me: I hope you don’t mind that I got a dog for our son.
Wife: Of course not, where is he?
Me: I just told you.
Psychiatrist “Tell me about your trust issues.”
Me “No”
*accidentally click on internet explorer*
Internet Explorer: oh what the… HELLO. OMG! WELCOME! HERE, PLEASE USE ME AS YOUR DEFAULT BROWSER. CLICK HERE! NO, DON’T GO! PLEA-
Can’t figure out why my allergies are so bad. I changed my med regimen, listened to my doctor’s advice, took my extra meds, bathed, rubbed my face on each of my four cats…
In honor of the birthday of Noriyuki ‘Pat’ Morita, today I shall find a kid getting bullied and teach him Karate by having him fix my car and house.
My 6yo was losing in a game of air hockey with my 9yo, got frustrated and refused to continue. I tried talking to her about not giving up in these situations and she said “Well, you give up when you’re arguing with mommy.”
I can cook, clean, do my own laundry and grogery shop. I think I only need a woman for one thing.
To let me know when I am wrong.
I would be a workaholic but I can’t stand the taste of workahol.
Pay no attention to the man behind the crouton!
Why hasn’t somebody opened a coffee shop next to a courthouse called ‘On What Grounds?’ Send
Most drug-sniffing dogs refuse to admit they have a problem
I just have to continue with these drinking jokes. I think they’re hilarious.😂
technically you’re not on fire, the fire is on you. but yes i’ll get some water
23rd Century Scientist: We’re sending you to 1889 to kill baby Hitler. Four words: Stick. To. The. Mission.
Henry Ford: Yes, sir.
Sneaking up behind people and marrying them
The name Corey is short for Coriander. Coreys will try & tell you it’s not but they are lying.
Me: After all these years, I think I’m still angry at my mother
Cat therapist: *swipes jar of pencils off desk* Have you ever tried peeing in her suitcase