Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

@DeepDarkFear

Life is short. Beat it up and steal its lunch money.

@shadygrenade

“Son do you know how to tell if a pineapple is ripe?”

*throws pineapple against grocery store wall*

“Ah nuts that was a good one.”

@BrainPornNinja

If you line up all your ex lovers in a row you can see the flow chart of your mental illness

@abasketofcraig

Bake a book inside a cake and help a convict escape into his or her imagination.

@AnkCoupleTO

1st Anniversary: Let’s go to Vegas

5th Anniversary: Get a sitter so we can go to dinner

10th Anniversary: Russian roulette sounds like fun

@DanMentos

[confession booth]
me: *sneezes*
priest: I’m not falling for that one again dan

@ArfMeasures

Bouncer: Your friends can go in but not you, you go home

Me: Perfect, say it just like that when I turn up later

@ArfMeasures

[Prehistoric times]
Mom: When you get married, your husband will be the hunter

Daughter: So I gather

@ACartoonCat

*On a 1st date*

Me: Psst, you can hold my hand if it gets too scary for you 😉

Them: We’re having a picnic

Me: *suspiciously glaring at a nearby squirrel* I said what I said

@TheNYAMProject

My husband: you don’t hear that beeping?

Me: The what?

Him: Its been going on for the last 15 minutes. How are you not hearing that?

*flashback to me reading as my kids orbit me crying and yelling “MOMMY MOMMY MOMMY”*

Me: Practice.