Any restaurant can be family style if the waiter criticizes your order

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“Son do you know how to tell if a pineapple is ripe?”

*throws pineapple against grocery store wall*

“Ah nuts that was a good one.”


If you line up all your ex lovers in a row you can see the flow chart of your mental illness


Bake a book inside a cake and help a convict escape into his or her imagination.


1st Anniversary: Let’s go to Vegas

5th Anniversary: Get a sitter so we can go to dinner

10th Anniversary: Russian roulette sounds like fun


[confession booth]
me: *sneezes*
priest: I’m not falling for that one again dan


Bouncer: Your friends can go in but not you, you go home

Me: Perfect, say it just like that when I turn up later


[Prehistoric times]
Mom: When you get married, your husband will be the hunter

Daughter: So I gather


*On a 1st date*

Me: Psst, you can hold my hand if it gets too scary for you 😉

Them: We’re having a picnic

Me: *suspiciously glaring at a nearby squirrel* I said what I said


My husband: you don’t hear that beeping?

Me: The what?

Him: Its been going on for the last 15 minutes. How are you not hearing that?

*flashback to me reading as my kids orbit me crying and yelling “MOMMY MOMMY MOMMY”*

Me: Practice.