Any restaurant can be family style if the waiter criticizes your order

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CW:my husband doesn’t understand me at all. What about yours?
Me:I wouldn’t know… I don’t talk to him about you…


[Dads birthday]
“Make a wish Dad”
*Dad blows out candles
*Looks around
*Looks @ wife
Where did our son go?
-What son?
*Dad cries with joy


[inventing facebook]

Everyone: My family isn’t racist.

Mark Zuckerburg: Oh ahahahahaha


If we get to have sex with our valentines on Valentine’s Day I can’t wait until Presidents’ Day.


god: i’m gonna make you murdery

cat: sweet

god: but small

cat: what

god: ˢᵒ ˢᵐᵒˡ


[cop car]
Buzzfeed Guy: It’s okay I work for Buzzfeed
Cop: You robbed 10 banks
Buzzfeed Guy: You wouldn’t believe how much I got from #6!


‘Your place or mine?’

Is the sexiest response to the question:

‘Where shall we bury the body?’


“I don’t have this many cats to sleep alone,” I yell threateningly down the hall to my cats who are all sleeping in the living room.


If a guy doesn’t return your texts for 4 months, it might be over.

It probably isn’t, but it might be.


Let’s get married and have kids so instead of enjoying coffee in the morning you can braid hair while I pack lunches and we can all be late.