Life is short. Beat it up and steal its lunch money.
Any restaurant can be family style if the waiter criticizes your order
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“Son do you know how to tell if a pineapple is ripe?”
*throws pineapple against grocery store wall*
“Ah nuts that was a good one.”
If you line up all your ex lovers in a row you can see the flow chart of your mental illness
Bake a book inside a cake and help a convict escape into his or her imagination.
1st Anniversary: Let’s go to Vegas
5th Anniversary: Get a sitter so we can go to dinner
10th Anniversary: Russian roulette sounds like fun
priest: I’m not falling for that one again dan
Bouncer: Your friends can go in but not you, you go home
Me: Perfect, say it just like that when I turn up later
Mom: When you get married, your husband will be the hunter
Daughter: So I gather
*On a 1st date*
Me: Psst, you can hold my hand if it gets too scary for you 😉
Them: We’re having a picnic
Me: *suspiciously glaring at a nearby squirrel* I said what I said
My husband: you don’t hear that beeping?
Me: The what?
Him: Its been going on for the last 15 minutes. How are you not hearing that?
*flashback to me reading as my kids orbit me crying and yelling “MOMMY MOMMY MOMMY”*