@RandiLawson

Any restaurant can be family style if the waiter criticizes your order

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@MommyWhoTweets

Whatever you say to someone, do it while slowly landscaping a tiny zen garden to really bring it home.

@Heldinchains

Autocorrect changed honey to homey.
Now, instead of going out to a romantic dinner we will be doing a drive-by.

@Darlainky

The rose scented hand sanitizer I got from Bath & Body Works reminds me of a funeral home so I just kinda go with it and think of the dead germs.

@ICantEven001

Dear Son-I apologize for ruining your life by asking you to put your dishes in the dishwasher!

@JimCarrey

Time 4 the 3rd debate, the political eqivalent of driving past a street corner several times to make sure u choose the least skanky ho! ;^)

@Nurse_K_

Dieting is when you eat foods that make you sad and leave feeling hungry still.

@PaperWash

Things more likely to kill you than Ebola:

– choking on a wheat thin
– erotic asphyxiation
– falling off the toilet
– a duck with a gun

@CutCopyPasta

[Pet Store]
Clerk: Ma’am what can I help you with today?
Me: hi I’d like to buy this line
C: You mean snake?
M: Yes your largest worm please