Any restaurant can be family style if the waiter criticizes your order
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THE SHINING (1980): An oblivious pair of incessant chatterboxes are finally taught to respect the sanctity of a writer’s space.
LIFE HACK: If a public restroom is locked, violently yank the door handle over and over like a gorilla and never accept that it’s occupied
Biologist screws up:
Mutant killer virusPhysicist screws up:
Deadly black holeGeologist screws up:
Rock on table is now rock on floor
The Fast and the Furious is my favourite movie about me running away after dropping a vase in an antiques store
WAITER: how was everything
ME: [rubbing belly] so delicious. thank u
WAITER: great. please stop rubbing my belly
[hospital]
DOCTOR: you’re ok
ME: so it was just a dream
DOCTOR: no your heart did turn into a bowl of cereal but your system is accepting it
People who say the book is always better than the movie: have you ever actually read “Debbie Does Dallas?”
Me: what do want for your birthday
Friend: just a gift card or some shit
Me, at the party: *with a gross smelling gift* I think you’ll love it
Money can’t buy you love, but it can buy you toilet paper.
Which is basically the same thing.
Is being in two bands cool? Depends. If you’re a high schooler: yes. If you’re a lobster: no.
me: *jumping out of a cake*
guy in next urinal: DUDE
Noam Chomsky is a crazy name like you sound hungry as f***
Me: What’s for dinner?
Shawn: Prawns
Shaun: Prauns
Sean: Preans
cat owners seriously come into work covered in scratches like “he’s just playful” no ma’am you’re in love with a wildebeest
These birds at my feeder. None of them have a plan.
Why are there never any cool side affects from drugs?
Like “this drug may cause severe sexiness”
[during sex]
Hand me my reading glasses
Having a kid means knowing when she asks to watch Mr. Handsome, she means The Little Mermaid.
Son: Dad is it true you named us after things you saw in the yard?
Dad: Yes we did, Hawk.
Rose: Nice.
Grill: You could have looked around a bit.
My kid is almost old enough for social media so we’ll need to have “the talk” soon. You know, about your/you’re and their/there/they’re.
Want to feel old? We’re closer to the summer of 2069 than we are the original year Bryan Adams wrote that song about, the summer ‘69 AD.
me (checkin out at grocery store with 2 rotisserie chickens): hold up *i grab my phone although it didn’t ring* sure i’ll get 1 more chicken
Writing prompt: You will run out of money entirely in three months and your only skill is writing.
Drink lots of muppet milk to keep your fur soft and manageable and your eyes their googliest.
I don’t think my family will ever accept me.
First it’s “get a hobby,” now it’s “stop sacrificing our chickens to lesser-known gods.”
HELP how do you know if a guy likes you or is only talking to you because you accidentally hit him with your car
COP:Do u know how fast u were going
ME: The posted speed limit, 495
COP: Sir that’s the route number, i don’t even know how I caught up to u
If two wrongs don’t make a right, I might as well try for three.
*Buys Samsung smart fridge. Opens app every 15 minutes to see if there’s anything good in there*
Girl: I want bangs
Me: I want a stylist to get my hair as close to antlers as possible. Make me look like a young prince of the wooded glen