@RandiLawson

Any restaurant can be family style if the waiter criticizes your order

You Might Also Like

@TheRobCee

“I need a car. What do you have?”
“Well, we have a Subaru Outback”
“But what kind of Subaru?”
“Outback”
“I don’t CARE where you keep it…”

@TheCatWhisprer

My favorite thing about all the people waiting in line for the new iPhones is for those hours the rest of the world is a better place.

@truegritrumble

ME: *holding my crying newborn son* There. There. I ALSO find myself very upsetting.

@mikefossey

cant afford an MRI so im just going to get in the dryer with all my fridge magnets and have my friend stand outside it and write down all the sounds i make

@EndhooS

[Calls date]
[Muffled] I can’t make tonight
“Why?”
Cuz I..um.. [sound of me tumbling out of a dryer] OH THANK GOD
“What?”
NOTHIN. See u at 9

@david8hughes

[planning a heist]
Robber 1: this will be the biggest hoist of all time
Robber 2: wait are you saying hoist or heist?
Robber 1: hoist
Robber 2: …
Robber 1: it’s just how I pronounce it
Robber 2: so you know this is a heist
Robber 1: DUDE MY NAME IS ROBBER 1 I KNOW WHAT WE DO

@SteveKoehler22

Staples is attempting a hostile takeover
of its rival Office Depot.

Office Depot has retaliated by
snapping rubber bands at Staples.