Her : I like you
Me : You’re mistaken
Any restaurant can be family style if the waiter criticizes your order
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“I need a car. What do you have?”
“Well, we have a Subaru Outback”
“But what kind of Subaru?”
“I don’t CARE where you keep it…”
My favorite thing about all the people waiting in line for the new iPhones is for those hours the rest of the world is a better place.
ME: *holding my crying newborn son* There. There. I ALSO find myself very upsetting.
Can I still watch 300 if I haven’t seen the first 299
cant afford an MRI so im just going to get in the dryer with all my fridge magnets and have my friend stand outside it and write down all the sounds i make
[Muffled] I can’t make tonight
Cuz I..um.. [sound of me tumbling out of a dryer] OH THANK GOD
NOTHIN. See u at 9
[planning a heist]
Robber 1: this will be the biggest hoist of all time
Robber 2: wait are you saying hoist or heist?
Robber 1: hoist
Robber 2: …
Robber 1: it’s just how I pronounce it
Robber 2: so you know this is a heist
Robber 1: DUDE MY NAME IS ROBBER 1 I KNOW WHAT WE DO
Staples is attempting a hostile takeover
of its rival Office Depot.
Office Depot has retaliated by
snapping rubber bands at Staples.