@RandiLawson
@MommyWhoTweets
Whatever you say to someone, do it while slowly landscaping a tiny zen garden to really bring it home.
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@MommyWhoTweets
@Heldinchains
Autocorrect changed honey to homey.
Now, instead of going out to a romantic dinner we will be doing a drive-by.
@Darlainky
The rose scented hand sanitizer I got from Bath & Body Works reminds me of a funeral home so I just kinda go with it and think of the dead germs.
@ICantEven001
Dear Son-I apologize for ruining your life by asking you to put your dishes in the dishwasher!
@JimCarrey
Time 4 the 3rd debate, the political eqivalent of driving past a street corner several times to make sure u choose the least skanky ho! ;^)
@Nurse_K_
Dieting is when you eat foods that make you sad and leave feeling hungry still.
@HuffPostComedy
10 anti-Valentine’s Day cards that are perfect for your ex
@PaperWash
Things more likely to kill you than Ebola:
– choking on a wheat thin
– erotic asphyxiation
– falling off the toilet
– a duck with a gun
@T_Bonezzz_
Coworker: Guess what I’m doing this weekend.
Me: No
@CutCopyPasta
[Pet Store]
Clerk: Ma’am what can I help you with today?
Me: hi I’d like to buy this line
C: You mean snake?
M: Yes your largest worm please