god: make a giant mouse
angel: okay
god: with a baby carrier on it
angel: wh- why
god: but it’s like, really good at jumping and stuff
angel: [nervously] what stuff
god: [hits joint] boxing
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today. for the first time in a long time. i checked on the skittle under the fridge. i’m happy to report it’s still there. minding its business. doing the best it can. we should all strive for such an existence
When you ask a 3 y/o “why are you holding the butter wrapper?” best find the answer quickly
Anytime someone loses something in the office HR doesn’t ask if anyone’s seen it, they just send out an email that says “Give it back Josh”
You’re drunk and trying to outrun the cops on horseback but they eventually catch you because it turns out you’re just on a carousel
Remember to look both ways before crossing a woman.
one time i went to a guy’s house and he made me watch The Crow on DVD and then when it ended he restarted it from the beginning and i had to pretend my flatmate had been arrested so i could leave
Would you flush a $20 bill down the toilet? Of course not. Yet you’re doing it every time you flush 4 $5 bills down the toilet. I’ll explain
Son: why is my sisters name rose?
Dad: because your mother loves roses
Son: what about me?
Dad: it’s a long story, Bush’s Country Style Baked Beans
My Twitter crush is 4,762-timing me!
me: can i get a big mac
employee: sir, this is a Burger King
me: sorry can i get a big mac, your majesty
I guess when I thought that I would catch up on tv shows while recovering from surgery I forgot that my kids still live here
Part of me says I can’t keep drinking like this. The other part of me says, don’t listen to her, she’s drunk
Interviewer: Why did you leave your job as a customer service representative?
Me: The phone calls kept interrupting my nap.
a robot’s eyes change to red when they go evil because they are in love (with murder)
Maybe Oscar wouldn’t be so grouchy if he lived in a keg instead.
Ion see the issue
If I had a cool name like AL Gore, I would make horror films.
me: *vacuums up ant*
ant: oh no
me: *vacuums up all the food the kids dropped*
ant: oh wait
Laundry is racist!!
Must separate the whites from the colors!!
No delicates allowed?
Oh, whites get HOT water, everyone else gets cold!
[marriage counseling]
We just don’t see eye to eye
“Because you insist on wearing that stupid pirate hat”
YOU WILL ADDRESS ME AS CAPTAIN
commercial: 2 out of 3 people suffer from depression. talk to ur doctor today
me: [hurriedly phones doctor] hey do u suffer from depression
[At historic site]
Guide: Questions?
Me: What’s the wifi password?
G: I meant about 19th century life.
M: Oh….Dost thou have thy password?
In Europe, her milkshake brings all the boys to the meter.
I started to clean house this evening, but my cat talked me into taking a nap.
The best sandwich I ever had was roast beef and brie at the Museum of Natural History cafe. It’s a memory that gets me through the tough sandwiches.
sloth [finally arriving at his prison cell]
prison guard: ok you’re free to go
Finished stitching this today 😇
This woman at Whole Foods is choosing a bundle of asparagus more carefully than I chose my husband.