Any room can be a panic room when your dog brings a live armadillo into the house.

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[watching Chef Ramsay berate yet another dolt]

Me: *peeling a banana like a potato* what audacity believing they belonged in a kitchen


Damnit. My roommate stole my cookie again. Oh well.. guess I’ll just have to go grab another..
*voice over* but she did not have a roommate


You can literally say “the night is young” at any time of day or night. Nobody is policing this.


[first day in hell]

Me: Ugh, it’s humid here.

Satan: Muahaha!

Me: The air…it’s moist.

Satan: Ok wait. You gotta stop saying that word.

Me: The heat AND the humidity make everything feel so moist.

Satan, rubbing temples:
This IS hell.


Me: *seeing a used condom on my lawn* This is disgusting!



For $5 you can either get your girl approximately 2 flowers from a florist OR you can get her an ENTIRE costco rotisserie chicken. that’s all im sayin. the choice is yours


Nothing worse than taking a run and then having to take a shit when your a mile & a half away from ur bathroom. I almost shitted in a bush


Like most parents, I live in fear of the day I have to explain PRETTY WOMAN to my daughter.


It’s important to set goals. You don’t have to accomplish them or anything like that. Just set them.