(any scene in a movie in which more than one person appears)
DAD: You couldn’t do that now. Coronavirus.
You Might Also Like
What do the films Titanic & the 6th sense have in common?
Icy dead people…
[I open my lunchbox to find flask of whisky]
But that means….
[Cut to my 4 y/o opening her lunchbox to find a flask of whisky]
My ex has made me dinner..
*gives a bit to the dog first*
Her: “Men are creepy!”
Me, from inside of the closet:
“Yes, we are.”
Married conversation is like regular conversation except you’re both brushing your teeth.
Sometimes I wish I was a mermaid. Maybe then HR would stop hassling me for wearing a seashell bra on casual Fridays.
I dated a computer hacker last year. He made me promise that I wouldn’t share this information because he said that hackers don’t want people to know this… but if you turn the brightness on your monitor down & browse the internet, then you are technically surfing the dark web.
Where do rainbows go when they’re bad?
Prism. It’s a light sentence
I just caught myself saying “oh this is a nice spatula” while shopping at Target & now I want to hit myself in the face with it.
All I want is for someone to push me up against a wall
Lean in
And whisper ‘I’ll do your housework’
[behind a customer in line at a coffee shop who is taking forever to decide what to order]
me: hey.them: yeah?
me: try the coffee.
Please take the smartphone away from your pets, they are spamming your Facebook with selfies.
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
To gangs that carve their names into public toilet seats:
A) Why?
B) Haha, you touched a public toilet seat.
Sometimes I forget that people can see me tiptoe away mid-conversation.
Eve: I think we should see other people.
Adam: There’s other people here?
Eve: No.
A: What the…
E: Sshh! Don’t make this difficult.
Women always find me interesting and mysterious on the first date.
I knew that the fog machine under the table was a good idea!
I love watching my 3yo and 2yo fight because they throw kicks and nobody makes contact and they say shit like, “you’re boring!” and “I have socks!” as insults and it’s amazing.
I think Diane knows I was her Secret Santa at this morning’s office party, because this afternoon I had to borrow my stapler back from her.
my Face ID only recognizes me if I have a cookie in my mouth
My father in law drank four cartons of milk in less than six days, so I’ve decided we’ll need to ditch him pretty early on in the apocalypse.
Carl: So hot today.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: During WW II, Americans tried to train bats to drop bombs.
Me: Fair enough.
Friend: hey man can you recommend a good book to prepare us for having a toddler?
Me: yeah try the Strange Case of Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde.
Lmao
me: I had some friends over for dinner, but they didn’t like the tacos I made
him: oh no, did you overreact-
me: no, I just threw them out
him: oh
me: then I ate the tacos
him:
I used to think chiropractors were useless till I had back problems… Now, I stand corrected.
Alright…who left me unsupervised again?
“How deep should we make the shelves in this shower wall?”
“Hmm.. deep enough to hold the shampoo, but shallow enough so that a rogue current of air could send the contents of the shelf plummeting onto the person’s toes while they shower.”
“Perfect.”