If a serial killer commits suicide, you can console his family by saying,
“hey, at least he died doing what he loved”
Any shampoo can be volume control shampoo if you cram the bottle directly into your kids mouth
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[accidentally brings blow dryer instead of gun to bank robbery]
me: I SAID GIVE ME ALL THE MONEY
me: THE MONEY
teller: GOD IT’S HOT IN HERE
I left a trail of rose petals leading to the bed and on the bed was a note that said “This is what happens to roses who cross me”
[date with girl I met at the park]
Waiter: is everything ok, sir?
Me:*fighting back the tears*
Her:*sigh* he expected me to bring my dog.
“How much for this melted ghost?”
Sir that’s a bed sheet
“You have a lot of them! And they’re packaged? IS THIS GHOST HELL”
This is a Macys
her: I’m leaving you
me: because I like scooby doo?
her: you’re obsessed
me: *pulling her hair trying to take off her mask* you won’t get away with this
I wish I could feed people I don’t like to my cat.
Him: Let’s go out tonight.
Me: It’s a work night and very late.
Him: It’s 5:00PM on a Friday.
Me: I’M EXHAUSTED. WHY CAN’T YOU HAVE AN AFFAIR LIKE MY FRIEND’S HUSBANDS?
Gurt: Hey guys, what should we call this new dairy snack?
Keith: Yo Gurt, I have an idea.
Gurt: Dude, you’re a genius.
Nobody invites me to spa day…
Just because I ate the cucumbers off everyone’s eyes and used their face cream as dip ONE time.