@DirtMcTurd

Any shampoo can be volume control shampoo if you cram the bottle directly into your kids mouth

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@SteveSuckington

If a serial killer commits suicide, you can console his family by saying,
“hey, at least he died doing what he loved”

@GrantTanaka

[accidentally brings blow dryer instead of gun to bank robbery]
teller: WHAT
me: I SAID GIVE ME ALL THE MONEY
teller: WHAT
me: THE MONEY
teller: GOD IT’S HOT IN HERE

@tastefactory

I left a trail of rose petals leading to the bed and on the bed was a note that said “This is what happens to roses who cross me”

@thatdutchperson

[date with girl I met at the park]

Waiter: is everything ok, sir?

Me:*fighting back the tears*

Her:*sigh* he expected me to bring my dog.

@Home_Halfway

“How much for this melted ghost?”
Sir that’s a bed sheet
“You have a lot of them! And they’re packaged? IS THIS GHOST HELL”
This is a Macys

@50FirstTates

her: I’m leaving you

me: because I like scooby doo?

her: you’re obsessed

me: *pulling her hair trying to take off her mask* you won’t get away with this

@sixfootcandy

Him: Let’s go out tonight.

Me: It’s a work night and very late.

Him: It’s 5:00PM on a Friday.

Me: I’M EXHAUSTED. WHY CAN’T YOU HAVE AN AFFAIR LIKE MY FRIEND’S HUSBANDS?

@samdunsiger

Gurt: Hey guys, what should we call this new dairy snack?

Keith: Yo Gurt, I have an idea.

Gurt: Dude, you’re a genius.

@AimeeHelene1

Nobody invites me to spa day…

Just because I ate the cucumbers off everyone’s eyes and used their face cream as dip ONE time.