Me: can I get a Coke please
Waiter: we only serve Pepsi here
Me: how about a lemonade then
Waiter: sir… we only serve Pepsi here
[cut to guy at the next table eating a plate of Pepsi]
Any shampoo can be volume control shampoo if you cram the bottle directly into your kids mouth
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A friend described me as a ‘no maintenance’ type
And I have no idea whether to be happy or offended
“Two messages, Sir. First, your tea has run out”
“Correct English is ‘you’ve run out of tea’. What else?”
“You’ve walked out of wife”
My wife sure is picky for someone who married me.
i am practicing how to die in photogenic positions
*goes to pond*
*duck hands me $100*
“Give me the hard stuff.”
*hands over bag of croutons*
Me: You look amazing with glasses.
Her: OMG thanks
Me: *removes my glasses* But not so much without.
My kids decided to move a piece of furniture to a random spot, I wonder how much it will cost to fix whatever they’re covering up
Girl1: Why are you so happy?
Girl2: I was complimented on my driving today. Someone left a note on my windshield that said “Parking Fine”
My family crest just says, “Yo, can I crash on your couch for a while?”