@DirtMcTurd

Any shampoo can be volume control shampoo if you cram the bottle directly into your kids mouth

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@Ygrene

Me: can I get a Coke please

Waiter: we only serve Pepsi here

Me: how about a lemonade then

Waiter: sir… we only serve Pepsi here

[cut to guy at the next table eating a plate of Pepsi]

@Smooheed

A friend described me as a ‘no maintenance’ type

And I have no idea whether to be happy or offended

@ItsAndyRyan

“Two messages, Sir. First, your tea has run out”
“Correct English is ‘you’ve run out of tea’. What else?”
“You’ve walked out of wife”

@SamGrittner

*goes to pond*
*duck hands me $100*
“Give me the hard stuff.”
*hands over bag of croutons*

@ClichedOut

Me: You look amazing with glasses.

Her: OMG thanks

Me: *removes my glasses* But not so much without.

@whereami18

My kids decided to move a piece of furniture to a random spot, I wonder how much it will cost to fix whatever they’re covering up

@Try2StopME

Girl1: Why are you so happy?

Girl2: I was complimented on my driving today. Someone left a note on my windshield that said “Parking Fine”

@ThisLocalHater

My family crest just says, “Yo, can I crash on your couch for a while?”