any site can be a dating site if you use it incorrectly
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when food packaging says “store in a cool, dry place” like ah i guess the mossy cave is out then
If my boyfriend ever cheated on me I’d be like omg I have a boyfriend 🙂
Me: I think you might have schizophrenia
Me: No I don’t
[run into an old classmate]
Them: You’ve gained a little weight.
Me: You’ve stayed ugly.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who sees you eating the chicken nuggets he said he didn’t want
Wife: Sleep tight, don’t let the bed bugs bite!
Me: Haha funny.
[under the mattress]
Bed Bug King: TONIGHT WE DINE IN HELL *tiny drums bang*
Me: SORRY I HAVE TO HANG UP I’M HEADING INTO A TUNNEL
* hangs up land-line *
GOD: That’s the last of the animals. Now add warning colors to the poison ones
ANGEL: Will do
GOD: But not all of them, keep some surprises
My almost 3yo drew me a picture and when he gave it to me, I must not have reacted fast enough because he said, “say ‘awwww’ mama.”
On tonight’s episode of Catfish, Cathy finds out she’s been in an online relationship with a pineapple.
me: *sobbing* please help him he’s eaten a bunch of socks
veterinarian: I can’t fix a clothes dryer
I was living in the moment until I was evicted.
My 4 year old nephew once stopped in the middle of soccer game to yell out to his mom that he smelled BBQ.
We are clearly related.
As an ultimate act of selflessness, someday I will travel to a 3rd world country and adopt a small, less fortunate highway.
Shaggy: Scoob you can’t smoke nitrate ester, you’ll explode!
Scooby Doo: RONO₂! *Explodes and dies*
Don’t propose with a diamond, that’s so yesterday. Propose with a pair of oven mitts, at least she’ll knows what she’s getting herself into.
There are 3 types of guys in this world
● 1) Handsome
● 2) Lucky
● 3) Me
why this chick look like a soccer player posing for senior pictures
me: [straddles chair to look real cool]
executioner: no
me: be gentle, it’s been a while for me
turbo tax advisor:
Boss: Did you bring the reports?
Me: Hold on.
*reaches into pockets and pulls out two middle fingers*
Boss: I resign. You’re the boss now.
A lot of people ask me “why do you lie about the high number of people asking you things?”
[doing a crossword]
friend: what’s a 9 letter word for phony
me: baby horse
friend: no like fake
me: unicorn jr
My 7-year-old daughter asked me twice today “what poison would kill someone the fastest?” and now I’m wondering if I’ve underestimated her.
[morgue]
mum: [crying over my bullet ridden body] how did this happen
cop: the robber yelled “everyone be cool” so he tried to do a kickflip
why do people say “i better sleep on it” when it’s like a serious thing they need to think about? i have dreams where i eat a tomato full of bees. how is that supposed to help my life choices?
Tired of your teens stealing your hoodies?
Just get them embroidered with
“MY MOM IS THE FLEEKEST OF COOL”
Problem solved.