@ozzyunc

Any song about love can also be about eating spicy food.

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@serialmatrix

How many bears would Bear Grylls grill, if Bear Grylls could grill bears?

@dave_cactus

HER: I’m from outside London.
ME: Nearly the entire world is outside London.

@Michael1979

The downside to being such a good man is all the s*xual excitement it evokes in my admirers. As such, I’ve had to create a series of automated messages in my DMs to deal with all the s*xy texting requests

@mack44_d

She said she liked it doggy style…

…but when I threw the frisbee, she didn’t even budge.

@__MICHAELJ0RDAN

Its like they say, don’t judge a apple by its color because it might be a orange.

@HFromTheNam

Husband:-“So when you starting back at the gym”?

Me:-“Why”?

H:-“Because you need to”

His funeral takes place next week.

@Marlebean

Bedroom notes:
Whipped cream – Yes
Sriracha – No

@LittleMissAngr1

Karen: I was so desperate for an answer i even consulted a magic 8-ball!

Me: Cocaine is never the answer, Karen