Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
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Him: Well, this has been a magical evening.
Me: *dragging goat carcass out of pentagram carved into floor* It really has been, thank you.
I tried to be polite and hold the door open for a woman, but she kept screaming, “I’m peeing in here!”
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife: I hate your corduroys
Trump says that Obama founded ISIS but in his defense Donald thinks that founded is a synonym for “located”
you’re never too old to achieve your dreams. prince charles is 73 and he just got his first job.
[Murderer in the middle of murdering me]
Can you put your phone down for 2 seconds while I’m murdering you I mean really
New parent: So you have been a parent for 4 years. Any insight?
Me: It’s great. Sometimes you want to escape by faking your own death. But I’m sure it’s just a phase.
New parent: Oh, ok. How long does that last?
Me: So far? 4 years.
SHOUTS OUT TO UTERUSES, THE ORIGINAL 3-D PRINTERS
Every craft store needs an aisle labeled So Your Child Has a School Project Due Tomorrow.
Driving is great because it combines my love of sitting with my love of being mad
“Treat yourself,” they say.
“No, wait—not like that—”
But it is too late. I have baked myself into an eclair
I’m 46 years old, my dad told me that candy floss evaporates after a day and I’ve told my kids this. My dad ate my candy floss didn’t he?
Not to brag, but having travelled extensively through India I could teach you all you need to know about living without toilet paper.
~ me, flirting.
Girl, same.
Loan officer: Mr. Minotaur, I’d love to help you but I dont think opening a china shop is a good idea.
HER: You almost ready to go to my mothers?
ME: *looking out window wondering if the jump will only break a leg & not kill me* Be right down.
Most couples have at least one odd bit of cutlery in their cutlery drawer that they presume belongs to their partner, which is why it’s fun to sneak odd bits of cutlery into your friends’ cutlery drawer when you visit.
I was pretty sure I spotted Ted Danson last night. Not doing much, just Danson in the streets
BREAKING: Hobbit director Peter Jackson’s next huge undertaking to be 3-part movie series of The Cheesecake Factory menu.
BECAUSE IT’S A PERVERT
♫ Hey there Delilah, what’s it like when u go grazing
I know u said you’re not a cow but girl this milk sure tastes amazing
Did u just moo ♫
When I worked as a restaurant critic, I wrote under a nom nom nom de plume
sick of all these cute pet names like mittens or daisy. i’m getting a dog and naming it something cool like truckstop or concrete
[interview]
BOSS: Any special skills?
ME: Skills?
BOSS: Like strengths
ME: Oh right. I’d say my vocabulary
BOSS: Hm…
ME: That means words
She: 5 mins babe
He: Ok*discovers a new planet*
*travels to it*
*discovers life*
*returns back*He: Ready?
She: 5 mins babe
i’m pretty sure chicken soup was meant for a bowl, not your soul
Me: We’ve been in lockdown for two months now and we’ve simply run out of conversation.
Satan: And that’s why you summoned me?
My wife: Yeh.
Satan:
Me:
My wife: So… how are you?
You mean the stick figures on the back of your vehicle is not your kill count?
*slowly scrapes mine off*